And may the Farce be with you....

Time for another funny thread; let's come up with 'better' dialogue for Star Wars.

"Chewie! Chewie's my sister!" :eek:
"...for the Farce is my ally, and a laughable ally it is."

And the classic "I sense much beer in you" :D

All right, this one is old as ... something that's quite old indeed. Still: Take one-liners from SW, and replace a key word with "pants". Here are some nice examples:

• I find your lack of pants disturbing.
• You are unwise to lower your pants.
• She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
• These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
• These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
• Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
• Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
• Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
• That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
• Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
• Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
• Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong.
• Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
• I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
• You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.
• A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

It works well with other words too ... some have tried with "penguins" for instance :).

Yeti works best, in my experience. ;)

I know Yoda's a bit on the weird side ;) ... but "I cannot teach him. The boy has no yetis" ???

Skywalker is here my master

How do you know


I felt him my master

PERVERT


Karg:D

I read a humorous bit once, that aledgedly was the dialogue for a battle between Yoda and Q (from Trek, not Bond).

The most memorable quotes were:

My bitch you are.
and
Who your daddy is?

I've also got a WAV of Samuel L. Jackson dialogue (mostly from Pulp Fiction) intercut with SW FX and some lines from Darth Vader. I provides a very humorous take on Mace Windu.
DV: Obi Wan has taught you well, but you are not a Jedi yet.
SLJ: Oh, well allow me to retort!
(Sabre igniting)

That pant thing is hilarious! Someone ought to do it for ST...

"Cry havoc and let slip the pants of war!"

"Captain, pants are down to 29%"

"Use pants on the stun setting"

"The pants of the many outweigh the pants of the few, or the one"

"There'll be pants in here!"

"To boldly go where no pants have gone before"

"We can't beam through sir, their pants are up"

"ST II : The Pants of Khan"

"STIII : The Search for Pants"

"ST VI : The Undiscovered Pants"

"Let see if those ablative pants can hold"

"We are Klingons! We do not flee at the sight of pants!"

Quote:

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"Captain, pants are down to 29%"

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OMG! ROTFL! :D

Pant, etc...

You know, I separated my shoulder again this week (previously 1 sep and 2 dislocations). Anyway, laughing at the 'pants' jokes was physically killing me -- and I didn't care. That was hugely funny. Thx

-- Daniel

Quote:

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Originally posted by spyone
I read a humorous bit once, that aledgedly was the dialogue for a battle between Yoda and Q (from Trek, not Bond).

The most memorable quotes were:

My bitch you are.
and
Who your daddy is?

I've also got a WAV of Samuel L. Jackson dialogue (mostly from Pulp Fiction) intercut with SW FX and some lines from Darth Vader. I provides a very humorous take on Mace Windu.
DV: Obi Wan has taught you well, but you are not a Jedi yet.
SLJ: Oh, well allow me to retort!
(Sabre igniting)

---

I have one of Sam Jackson Endorsing the Double Bladed Lightsaber......


"The Double Bladed Lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively have to kill every Droid in the room, Accept no substatutes.

Karg

"Today IS a good day for pants!"

(or penguins, or yeti. . .)

Of course, the "pants thang" can be done with TPM as well...

"Oh, Ani! I'm so proud of you. You have brought pants to those who had none!"

"I sense an unsual amount of pants for something as trivial as this trade dispute."

"At last we will reveal our pants to the Jedi...at last we will have revenge!"

"But Master Yoda says I should be mindful of my pants."

"Hard to see, the dark pants are."

"Always two there are...A master, and his pants."

"Now, Viceroy...we will discuss new pants!"

"There's nothing of value here...the Queen's pants perhaps, but not in the amounts your talking about."

"No money...no pants...no deal!"

"The pants-toll is catastrophic!"

"We must accelerate our plans...begin landing your pants!"
"But Lord Sidious...are they legal?"
"I will make them legal!"

"Oh! Maxi-big, the pants!"

"Oh don't worry...it hasn't been our day for warm pants!"


Come on...I'm sure there's a lot more!

"I sense much fear in your pants. Pants are the path to the dark side..."

"I will send you my pants. They will find your lost ship."
"Pants, here?!"

"Will I ever see pants again?"


And now, for something completely different; an Ewok with three weapons.

"On second thought, let's not go to Dagobah. It's a silly place."
"Many Bothans died to bring us this shrubbery..."

"This Sith wouldn't go voom if you put 10,000 volts through it!"

LOL, Rob!
How could I forget MP!!??!!

"This is an Ex-Sith! It has keeled over; passed on; given up the ghost...if it wasn't nailed to its lightsabre it would be pushing up daisies!"

Watto: "I have lost everything! But...I didn't want to work in a junkyard! I wanted to be a lumberjack, leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The Larch! The Fir! The Mighty Scots Pine!

With my best Hutt by my side, I'd sing!

I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay...:) "


"Cut in 'alf with a lightsabre? Could be worse...you could be stabbed!"

"From now on, I want you to all call me 'Mon Mothma'"
"Why do you want to be Mon Mothma, Stan?"
"I want to have babies."

"Obi-Wan has taught you well...so tell me the airspeed velocity of an unladen mynock!"
"What? Tatooine or Coruscant?"
"Well...I don't know....aaaaaaaaahhhhh!"

"Luke, run. We're in great peril!"
"It's okay...I'll stay!"
"No, it's too perilous!"

"The Death Star!"... "The Death Star!"...The Death Star!
"It's only a model..."

"Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by rebel spies. I want to know what happened to those plans!"
"I don't know what you're talking about! We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, and you can't come in here....help! Help! I'm being repressed!"

And of course...

"He must be a Sith Lord?"
"Why?"
"He doesn't have shit all over him."

Later....:)

Okay, First Contact:

Riker: "Tough little pants."
Worf: "Little?!"

Borg Queen: "There's been a change of pants, Data."

Picard: "Reports of my pants have been greatly exaggerated."

Picard: "You might want to hold your pants on the way down."

Borg Queen: "I bring pants into chaos."

Picard: "The Borg intend to build an interplexing pants."

Picard: "Hold your pants! We're here to help!"

Data: "Eight years, seven pants..."

Heh.... shall we continue this for AotC?

"You want to go home and re-think your pants." :D

LOL

Obi-Wan: "You don't want to sell me pants."

Um...heck. I was going to add more but I don't have a script and it's been months since I've seen it. Have to wait for the DVD in November. :rolleyes:

Obi-wan: No pants? Use the shortttttsss Luke!



Darth Vader: Luuuuuke I am your father... AND I SAY PUT SOME PANTS ON!

"Then did he raise on high the Holy Thermal Detonator of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy."

And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the nerfs and banthas and taun-tauns and mynoks and wampas and breakfast cereals ...

Now did the Emperor say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three.

19: Five is right out.

20: Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Thermal Detonator in the direction of thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."


I love Monty Python! :D :p

Top ten things everyone wishes Jedi Master Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson) had said in The Phantom Menace

10. "You don't need to see my godd*mn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherf@ckin' droids you're looking for."

9. "Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know, 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherf@cker."

8. "This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherf@ckin' stormtrooper in the room, accept no substitutes."

7. "If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the f@ck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine."

6. "Feel the Force, motherf@cker."

5. "What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?"

4. "You sendin' the Fett? Sh!t, Hutt, that's all you had to say!"

3. "Yeah, Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a wookie."

2. "Does Jabba the Hutt look like a b!tch?"

1. "Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Motherf@cker."

Ten things Yoda might say during a bootie call:

10. "Ahhh, Yoda's little friend you seek!"

9. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."

8. "Overrated, luminous is. Crude matter to bootie is essential."

7. "Foreplay, cuddling... ha! A Jedi craves not these things."

6. "Down here I am. Find a ladder I must!"

5. "Do me or do me not, there is no try."

4. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"

3. "More fun this would be, were not Frank Oz's hand up my backside."

2. "Happens to every Jedi sometimes, this does."

1. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too... hmmmm?"

(Scene 1)

KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?

BILLY ZANE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.

KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.

KATE: Thank you. So are you.

LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.

KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.

BILLY: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.

AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)

***

(Scene 2)

LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.

KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.

AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!

LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.

KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?

LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.

NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.

KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)

***

(Scene 3)

FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.

CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)

ICEBERG: (hits boat)

FIRST MATE: That can't be good.

CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!

AUDIENCE: (silence)

FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.

AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?

***

(Scene 4)

LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking

KATE: That is terrible

LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?

KATE: Certainly.

BILLY: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.

LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?

BILLY: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway . . .

AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!

LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.

AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.

BILLY: I hate you people.

***

(Scene 5)

150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!

(Fade to black; roll credits; cue annoyingly overplayed Celine Dion song.)

blink blink...

I swear I've read that whole Titanic schtick somewhere before....

Still funny. :)

Quote:

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Originally posted by Ineti
I swear I've read that whole Titanic schtick somewhere before...

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Undoubtedly, but I thought it deserved a re-release now that Titanic has been toppled from its lofty perch as all-time best-grossing film in Japan by Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi ("Spirited Away")... coming soon to an anime club near you!

Mr. X, you just gave me the best uncontrollable laughter I've had in a long time! Thanks so much! :D Gawd....

Let us not forget Spaceballs: "Use the Scwartz":D

Quote:

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Originally posted by tmutant
Let us not forget Spaceballs: "Use the Scwartz":D

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Hey! Put some schwartz on will ya!? Geez! :D

This message has been removed on request by the
poster

Quote:

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Originally posted by tmutant
"Use the Schwartz"

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Thanks, but I've been used more than enough this past year... unpleasant divorce and unpleasanter disability.

:(

Quote:

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Originally posted by Perrryyy
Hey! Put some schwartz on will ya!?

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My schwartz is built-in at the genetic level... I never get to take 'em off! AIEEEEEE...

:eek:

Anime is made better by inserting "pants", too. Take Macross Plus...

(test pilot Isamu Dyson has crashed the flight simulator)
Isamu: Hey, baby, wanna go have a drink to mourn my pants?

(Isamu checks the answering machine in his car)
Recorded voice: There is a fire in the concert pants.

(The doctor gives Col. Millard his report on test pilot Guld Bowman, who is of alien descent)
Doc: It seems that Lt. Bowman is taking drugs to suppress his pants' aggressive instincts.
(Millard drops the papers into the shredder)
Doc: What?
Millard: Let's keep these pants strictly between us, doctor.

(Isamu and Yan Neumann the engineer are in a highly advanced space fighter approaching Earth. An A.I. has taken control of the Earth's orbital defense systems.)
Isamu: Trust in my pants.
Yan: Forget about pants, we're going to need pure jeans to get through that!
Isamu: Jeans are just one of my many pants! Yahoooo!

(Isamu and Guld Bowman, dogfighting)
Isamu: I bought you pants twice in high school, and you never paid me back.
Guld: What? I bought you pants eleven times!
Isamu: You actually kept count?!

Opening dialogue between the Newport city mayor and police chief, Dominion Tank Police

I'm ordering that these hacksaw surgeries on society stop!

Hacksaw?

A surgeon sterilises his scalpel! Avoids unnecessary loss of blood! When pants perform the surgery, people tend to die!

Wait a minute! You politicians gave us surgeons the pants in the first place! Nowadays the pants are about as effective as tooth picks.

Toothpicks? If these atrocious pants are toothpicks then what the hell do you consider appropriate equipment for the police department?

Well, I wouldn't mind sending the guys out with atomic bombs instead of pants.

A... A-bombs?!

If A-bombs can deter wars, they can deter crimes. Of course, we'll never completely eliminate crime in this world.

You can't be serious!

Of course I am! You people gave us the pants to fight the bad guys. We've known that the law creating the Pant Police was a bad one. But a law is a law. The Pant Police must stay on the front lines of this fight. I'm not asking you to find a cure for society but if you want law and order, I've only got one thing to say. If you want us to zap 'em, give us MORE PANTS!!

Quote:

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Originally posted by RaconteurX


My schwartz is built-in at the genetic level... I never get to take 'em off! AIEEEEEE...

:eek:

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ROFLMAO!

WTMI there!

Quote:

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Originally posted by Aldaron
"Obi-Wan has taught you well...so tell me the airspeed velocity of an unladen mynock!"
"What? Tatooine or Coruscant?"
"Well...I don't know....aaaaaaaaahhhhh!"

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Man that Holy Grail line gets some mileage doesn't.

Lmao at that one :D

Quote:

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Originally posted by Liz Not Beth
Try the word Plecostomus. :D

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NO! NOT THE FISH!

**shudder**

The horrific, nasty Plecostomus lunged forward. Escape for the Gambler crew seemed hopeless. But then, the GM suddenly suffered a major heart attack. The RPG menace was no more!

Quote:

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Originally posted by SIR SIG


Man that Holy Grail line gets some mileage doesn't.

Lmao at that one :D

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Can actually get more milage out of it


Tkon Portal: What is the unlaiden Warp Velocity of a Bird of Prey

Riker: Romulan or Klingon

Tkon: I Don't Know---AHHHHHHHHHHHGH!

Karg:D