The funniest/most idiotic thing your players have done

I think the subject says it all. Here's mine:

My players are ordered to the Maelstrom to search for a lost Akira. They find the U.S.S.Mateo drifting in space with no life signs. They beam aboard, find everyone dead and beam one corpse off for analysis. Once they discover it was foul play they immediately began searching for the culprit.

Here's the funny/idiot part, they checked the crew manifest and saw that one person's combadge was missing from the ship (the one they beamed off). They spent the next hour and a half trying to figure out a plausible reason why that particular crewmen did it. They had a nice complete story when one of them hailed their ship and the CMO told them that the autopsy was complete on the body of the unamed crewmen which they believed had done the deed.

At that moment I burst out laughing, I just couldn't believe they had completely forgotten about the guy they beamed off. Hilarious from my side, they felt pretty stupid and rightfully so.;)

One of the funniest moments during my first Trek-campaign:

The players are running on full-paranoia, as one of them seems to be conspiring with the enemy (i.e. the GM) to sabotage the mission.
During a discussion the highest-ranking character announces:
"It'd be best if somebody would collect the phasers, to keep the mole from attacking us from within."
Without thinking the characters all hand their weapons to him. Now you have one character (who might be the mole and as it turned out he was) controlling the entire group's firepower.

It took them a few seconds to realize what they had done, before we all bursted out laughing.

Most idiotic moment:
During a Shadowrun game. The group was supposed to escort a scientist from his lab (28th floor) to his home (the other side of the city). There's a lot going on with computers, electric gizmos and whatnot cramped into every room. When suddenly a rocket hits their floor, tearing a huge hole into the building, taking a quarter of the floor with it, setting the whole thing on fire. (Emphasis on the big honking hole in the damn building!)
First reaction?
"I launch an grenade to kill the flames."

And they actually started argueing with me about the physics involved. I should have shot them where they stood in their pansy-red boots. ;)

Funniest... I'm not sure I can share that, especially on a family-friendly board... ;)

There's a few I can think of...
- The look on a player's face in our group when I mentioned the bad guys were drawing vibroblades. She apparently was picturing something else other than a rapidly vibrating knife...

- When the player of Lt. Jasmine Kharn, who had been running that character for several months, suddenly, for the life of her could not remember her character's name as she hailed another ship. "This is Lt... ummm". Of course every time we tried to redo the scene the player burst out into laughter. If we had a blooper reel, this would have made it!

- "You have taken from me what I had rightfully stolen." "Well I stole it back fair and square so nanny nanny woo-woo." - The Dread Pirate Wallace and Lt. Jasmine Kharn in the holodeck adventure "Virginia Jones and the Sentinels of Iconia"

Characters get caught sneakng into an enemy installation. The enemy frisks them, thakes their weapons, but misses one on the player in question.

His response, "Did you want the other gun, too?"

Honorable Mention:

Character meets another character's love interest. "Gali sends his love...and I'm here to deliver it for him."

We were playing Rifts once. We were all kitted out with some seriously lethal megadamage weaponry, and wearing good megadamage armour. Not good enough to handle the really really big guns though (such as a frell off big plasma weapon).

Anyway, we're in the middle of a huge firefight, and the building comes crashing down about us and we're standing in the middle of a huge pile of rubble. The bad guys target us with a BIG plasma gun. The Gm asks "do you want to dodge?". Everyone except one player says "Hell yes!"

The player that didn't dodge was henceforth known as "soup in a suit". :D

Needless to say, her next character never said no to a dodge.

I just remembered this one;

The crew is visiting worlds deep within Klingon space and wind up on the other side. A phenomenon takes out the most of the ship's crew and leaves a science officer in charge.

He contacts Starfleet Command and says;

"This is Lt.McGuillan, someone please respond."

They ask him where he is. And his answer is;

"The backness of Klingon space."

We all burst out laughing. Safe to say that Starfleet Command didn't come to save them.:)

One game of Warhammer Fantasy (the pilot if you will) had my character, an Elven Outrider, riding hell bent for leather down a muddy road, beside a fast and flooded river, in a rain storm. When I turn a corner in the road and almost run over another player my elf reigned in the horse as fast as he could, but was unable to stop in time. The other player was asked;
Gm: What do you do?
Player: I jump to the side.
Gm:Ok, which side of road do you jump to?
Player: The right. (into before mentioned fast moving river.)

Another time, Warhammer Fantasy again, our party was clearing an underground "dungeon" when a new player to our group said something rather stupid. In return I said "...well why don't you stick your head into the next room to check." So he did, almost getting it chopped off by the guy on the other side of the door with the axe.

Of course we are all not immune to this. In a Shadowrun game I once blabbed our employers real name to the gangster he had us investigating. OOPSS:D

In the Desert of Desolation. The characters find an oracle which will answer three questions.

"Will we succeed in our quest?"
"YES"
"Ummm... how many questions do I have left?"
"ONE"
"What was the first question I asked?"
"WILL WE SUCCEED IN OUR QUEST."

An unintentional example of a player running his character with a 7 Wisdom correctly. :D

I could imagine said Oracle taking pity and giving 3 more questions...


"Are you sure you want me to have 3 more questions?"
"YES"
"Really?"
"YES"
"WOw. Is there a question I really should be asking?"
"YES. NOW PISS OFF."

Group wanders off.
"MAYBE MY FIRST ANSWER WAS WRONG. I DONT THINK THEY WILL SUCCEED IN THEIR QUEST..."

In a Traveller campaign I was running, the group of PC's were trying to come up with an appropriate name for their Animal-class safari ship. They finally settled on 'the Python' after one of the players suggested a name which had the word 'Throbbing' before and 'of Love' after the word Python.

This one goes back a while.

In September 1992, we were playing an adventure adapted from the unproduced Phase II episode "The Savage Syndrome", later to turn up as TNG's season 7 episode "Genesis". I called it "No Spill Blood" from an Oingo Boingo song title.

The PCs return to the ship after a shuttle mission to find the rest of the crew devolving into savage animals. After making their way through the badly vandalized starship, fighting off their monstrous crewmates while trying not to hurt them and dealing with failing ship systems, they finally reach the bridge (or was it the battle bridge? one of those, anyways).

The Science Officer turns to the Captain and asks "So... What do we do now?"

The Captain's player stares back for a beat, then goes "Ook?" then "Ook ook EEEK! AAH! AAH ook EEK!" while jumping up and down on his chair with his hands in the air like a monkey... As everyone looks at me (the GM) to see if I'm in on it, he stops and says "Nah, I'm just sh%*ing you.".

That was pretty much the end of any serious game for the evening.

This is now known as the Nick Maneuver, after both the Player and the character.

-Dan.T

Well I wasn't GMing at the time but as a player I was pretty stunned watching all this.

The situation is this, we're going down to a planet in two shuttles and jumped by a pair of alien-fighter things. My shuttle was buffeted by shots and my friend's was hit and lost phasers. He apparently missed that point and when the GM asked him what to do he said.

"Fire phasers"

The GM told him, "Dude, the only phaser you've got is your *hand* phaser"

"I'll fire that then."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay then."

He then described to me the sight of the shuttle next to me's cockpit filling with smoke as he 'fired' his phase blowing out the shuttles controls and sending it spiraling to towards the planet's surface. I grudgingly used the emergency transporter on my shuttle to pull him out. He to this day denies this story.

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The Captain's player stares back for a beat, then goes "Ook?" then "Ook ook EEEK! AAH! AAH ook EEK!" while jumping up and down on his chair with his hands in the air like a monkey... As everyone looks at me (the GM) to see if I'm in on it, he stops and says "Nah, I'm just sh%*ing you.".

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YOU OWE ME A NEW KEYBOARD! I just spewed pepsi all over mine!

I can't stop laughing! I think you've fried my humor chip!

Okay. my turn.

New crewmember on an unescorted tour of the ship learns an important lesson in diversity:

Me: "You turn the corner and come face-to-face with this gigantic mass of fur. It looks like a giant tiger!"

Player: "WAAGH! I shoot it!"

Me: "Are you sure?"

Player: "Yes!"

Me: "Okay... he drops, stunned. Alarms go off... a moment later, the Security Chief comes running around the corner, and sees you there. 'Lieutenant,' he asks, 'would you like to tell me WHY you just shot Ensign Ragasharrl?'"

My character, the captain, falls over from poisoning. The next in command starts to take charge. I was thinking okay. This will be a good test to see how good they are... No one calls the medic... I lay there and I died because my crew did not call the medic. No one called the medic...

My narrator, me, forgot that we had klingons aboard our ship and we had to perform an emergency abandoning of the ship. Well they all would have died except that we only hvae a skeleton crew.

I was in a Rifts game in college loooooogn ago. A running gag somehow developed that anytime we were in a place that served food, a fight would break out involving MDC weaponry. The funniest of these was when our Mystic decided for some reason to try some sort of Jedi Mind Trick on a full-conversion borg.

Dave: So, you're a full-conversion borg?
NPC: Yeah, what of it?
Dave: So, it's pretty much pysically possible for you to do almost anything, right?
NPC: Uuuh, yeah...
Dave: So, how about you go >bleep< yourself?
NPC: Rarrrrgh! >zap, zap, zappity, zap!<

I didn't think to ask Dave just what in the name of "Bob" he was doing, so I have no idea why he deliberatly honked off a psychotic killing machine.

1. Two of my players were playing Elves in a gurps game, they had been together for a while in the story lines. The third player was a dwarf. Elves used the dwarf to check for traps. dwarf rolls down the stairs.

2. The players have found thier way to a magical city, that is suspended about 2 miles up in the air. The fastest and most common form of travel was by a pair of thought contoled wings, design that anyone could use them. the easiest way to learn them was to get pushed off one of the platforms and natural reaction would spread the wings and let you fly. No problem right. One player jumps with his wings on and likes the flight, the second has to be pushed with his wings on. They both land and laugh about it. My character is still watching, without putting the wings on. And is pushed off.. after .5 mile they realize I am not wearing wings. At 1 mile they jump. At 1.5 miles they catch up with my character.. Needly to say I developed a sever phobia about falling.

In the first ep of our series, the counselor, Eloid Fastilas, whose hobby was holoprogramming, used to carry miniature holographic generators that she leaved everywhere, and that displayed "Eloid was here".

(One season later, she learned she was a clone several years old only, and that her personality and memories where all made up. The character began a depression and ended her life to save a world because she couldn't take it anymore. Great character development....
Shouldn't have taken the highest Dark Secret and told me to do whatever I wanted with it... Nyaa haha ;)).

Ok... This is telling on me. Once about 10-12 years ago I was playing Bushido. We were doing this epic quest and for this episode had entered a small town. Just outside the city limits there was a den of Vampires. Of course the townspeople know of the Vampires. Since Japanese vampires suffer from some sort of OCD they leave piles of rice all around the city. The vampires go count every kernel in the pile giving the townspeople time to kill them.

Our group returns from slaying the head vampire and are met by an angry mob. Not believing that we're not vampires they pour a sack of rice on the ground so they can test us. I turn to my companions and ask... "Do we count the rice?":D

Needless to say we had to make a hasty getaway. From that point on I got the nickname Riceboy. It didn't help when our character basically became super ninjas as it was the perfect sidekick name. Also there was an incident where we were on lookout and I had to go get food and fell asleep in the bowl of rice I got for us. :)

I wasn't in the group for this next one, but I've heard about it. A group of D&D players decided to change things up and played a Star Trek game for a change. They've been boarded and they are positive there are Klingons on the other side of the door.

GM: "What do you want to do?"
Player: "I go up to the door and listen."
GM: "You do what? Tell me exactly what you're doing."
Player: "I go up to the door, crouch down, and listen. What do I hear?"
GM: "Swish"

And the moral of the story? Remember... when you're in the future the doors open on their own. :D

This one's a classic that a friend of mine told me. It still cracks me up.

dm

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Originally posted by xanix
Since Japanese vampires suffer from some sort of OCD they leave piles of rice all around the city. The vampires go count every kernel in the pile giving the townspeople time to kill them.

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Ah yes, the Oriental Vampire weakness. Oddly, this makes the autistic Vampire the most capable.

Pour a sack of rice on the floor.

"3,558" Says Rainman the Vampire as he launches into you!

Seroiusly thogh. I am not sure if the OCD is for counting or tidying. Not that it matters too much. ;)

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I wasn't in the group for this next one, but I've heard about it. A group of D&D players decided to change things up and played a Star Trek game for a change. They've been boarded and they are positive there are Klingons on the other side of the door.

GM: "What do you want to do?"
Player: "I go up to the door and listen."
GM: "You do what? Tell me exactly what you're doing."
Player: "I go up to the door, crouch down, and listen. What do I hear?"
GM: "Swish"

And the moral of the story? Remember... when you're in the future the doors open on their own. :D

This one's a classic that a friend of mine told me. It still cracks me up.

dm

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But at least they got to find out if there are indeed Klingons on the other side of the door. :D

Last week, a computer malfunction led to the Xo and part of the Gryphon's crew being onboard the USS Gallant when it decided the Gryphon was attacking it.

The confused and wacked out computer gave the Gryphon a full spread to which Capt Dumont replied:

"Cmdr Shinoda, what the f*ck are you doing?"

Maybe you had to be there, but Chris' delivery of that line was flawless.

Let's just bump this and see what happens.

In a group I was playing in about 7 years ago, we had this game using the Hero System which was a melange of Star Wars (lightsabers and psi powers), Star Trek (the basic feel of the paramilitary), and Battlestar Galactica (we were all fighter pilots aboard the USS Roddenberry), our group was made up of....well....

Doctor, Sadist he always wanted to perform experiments on the people we found.

Unit Commander, Very Strong he had no compunction of taking the bodies of the fallen foe to use as clubs against his opponents.

Crack Pilot, nothing unusual about this, but he was played by my 14 year old cousin. When we were confronted by a manual transmission car in a time travel game, we drew the three pedals on a sheet of paper and told him to press the pedals as though his feet were hands. We couldn't stop laughing during that game.

Hacker, too damned good. That is until he critically fails and instead of turning off the lights in ten-forward, turns off all the power to the entire ship, including gravity control. He also set a replicator in the quarters of the warrior (Klingonesque) felinoid to cycle over and over making kitty litter.

And then there was the Jeni (Jedi). Something of a cross between a Jedi and a lensman. He had a nasty habit of dying, even with his "jedi powered" force fields and armored skin. He just......I'm sorry, but a resistant defense of 20 should be able to stop a bullet (normally it is). Too bad those enemies were using photon grenades.

Long ago I ran a D&D game, not advanced D&D, just D&D. We had somehow gotten one of my friends sisters interested in the game and she made a nifty little elven fighter. All went fairly well till they had their first combat.
Lance:I fire my bow.
Me:The orc charges you Lori, but he was too far away to get a shot at you. You have one attack, what do you do?
Lori:I Chainmail 'im!

You expect that kinda mistake from someone who never played, but it was the emphatic, wide eyed, "I did good, Yes?" look on her face that set us all laughing our collective butts off.

Anyone who remembers Thundercats will remember Lion-o and Snarf. One day before I ran a trek episode me and the guys found Thundercat bloopers on the internet and had a wonderful pre-game laugh about them. One of them the guy that does the voice of Lion-o was trying to do a line. He kept coming out of character but the Snarf voice talent stayed completely in character;
Lion-o;Let's find the mega-condenser...no that's to fast.
Let's Find the Mega-Condenser...No that's no good.
Let's find.....Ah ****!
Snarf;What's wrong Lion-o?
Lion-o;**** it, there it is again.
Snarf;What thing?
Lion-o;That, that thing. That Mega...thing.
Snarf; Want me ta say it?
Lion-o; YES!!

In that game I had just introduced a one shot race that I thought had a fairly simple name. Invalian (In-vahl-yan) was the name. In the same encounter where I introduced the race the Captain tried to order his crew to assist the aliens;
Franklin;Okay, you two help the...
Reilly;Help who sir?
Franklin;You know...those guys those In...somethings..
Reilly;Want me ta say it?
Franklin; YES!!

Game was shut down for a good hour cause we had to reset our poor little brains.

I have one, And this time it's my flub:D

playing Trinity for the 1st time and we in the party are intro'ed to each other.

of course in the party was a Medic (which would be from the Esculpian [spelling?] order)

I of course pronounced it Epicapalian!

and it has been a running joke ever since

We were playing Cybepunk 2020 . The crew was chasing down a predator based on the moive with Anrold .

One the Solo ( fighter type ) was in hand to hand combat with the creature . The player was starting to hurt the creature with a other player toss a hand greneade . As I evil game master I ask if she was sure and stated the blast area . The first solo was kicked out of the rest the fight .

Kind of a "you had to be there moment". Running a Movie era FASA game, set on a Chandley class frigate. The Captain is in the mess hall, and decides he wants a hotdog. It comes out of the food dispenser with NO MUSTARD. This turns into a running gag. The Chief engineer takes apart the food dispenser, can't find the problem. The CMO tries to determine why the Captain is obsessed with mustard. Finally, enough fooling around, the Romulans show up. The Romulan Captain makes a crack about the PC's ship being the most advanced in the fleet. The Captain begins to rave "Most advanced ship in the fleet? We can't even make a decent hot dog!"

We fell out laughing, soda was spewed, and role-playing broke down until we got some lunch.:D

Okay, first, let me start with two adventures from the old FASA Star Trek days.

In the first one, I had a friend who wanted to play an Efrosian and decided to take the Tellarite rumor of them being cannibals seriously. We beamed down to a Class M planet and were attacked by a large centipede-type creature and successfully stunned it. Following this, the friend playing the Efrosian scanned it with a tricorder, looked it over, smelled it, then turns to the GM and says "I want to pull a tiny piece off and taste it." Needless to say every head at the table turned to him and asked, "You want to taste it?" "Yeah. I want to know what it tastes like..." Needless to say, the captain ordered him not to eat the new life form.

The second FASA incident involved a time when I ran the FASA adventure the Strider incident.

Quick back story: The captain of the Strider orders her patrol into the Klingon Neutral Zone after receiving information that the Federation has declared war of the Klingon Empire. The patrol enters the Neutral Zone and comes upon a Klingon force of D-7 battlecruisers and being outgunned, turns to flee. The two other craft in the patrol are destroyed and the Strider launches the log buoy just before attempting to warp out. The ship goes to warp and the engines' imbalance creates a wormhole that prevents the Klingons from pursuing. The Striders logs are badly damaged and when the Strider returns to the local starbase, the chewed up log in the ship's computer confirms the starbase commander's worst fears: The captain attacked the Klingon Empire on her own authority. So, when the PC's ship goes to the same starbase for repairs, they get caught up in the mystery and decide to steal the Strider (their own ship's warp drive will take weeks to repair), go to the neutral zone and retrieve the log buoy (the only thing that can prove the captain's innocence.) When they get there, they follow the log buoy's signal to an area of empty space. That's when the Klingon BOP decloaks. It found the buoy first. The Klingon captain orders the Strider to surrender (it having illegally entered the Neutral Zone) and the PCs agree. Here's where things go bad. The Klingons beam a boarding party over. They see the PCs' captain has a drawn phaser. The Klingons stun him. One of the PCs in the transporter room decides to beam the Klingons not to the brig, not back to their own ship, but into space! Now the remaining Klingons on board the Bird of Prey are pretty pissed off and beam a photon mine into the Strider's engineering section. Now, not wanting the whole crew to pay for one PCs callousness and in my opinion stupidity, I gave them a chance to beam off the mine which they did directly in front of the BOP's bridge! The BOPs shields were up at this point and we were using FASA's starship tactical combat simulator to run the combat. I decided since the BOP couldn't penetrate the Strider's shields that they would make a retributive strike. Stupid me, because here is where I, myself, screwed up. I blew up the BOP in the same hex as the Strider, which doubled the damage it's self-destruction did, but allowed all SIX shields to absorb the blast so a mere 3 points penetrated to do damage. Had it blown up next to them instead of directly on top, 12 points would have gotten through! Needless to say, they lost the log buoy and were themselves court martialed for their offenses.

Finally, while running a LUG Star Trek game the same friend who played the Efrosian cannibal was playing a Vulcan who was trying to learn how to ride a horse on the holodeck. Not having much success, he had the "brilliant" idea of trying to MIND MELD with the HOLOGRAPHIC HORSE! Plus, he bombed his mind meld skill test! Not one to pass up a wonderful excuse to run a holodeck gone haywire adventure, I had the mind meld go so far as to infect the entire ship's computer system. When the Vulcan PC slept, the ship's computer shut down. When he woke up, it came back on. Needless to say, they needed to get this fixed quick, which they did by making the Vulcan mind meld with the computer and properly sever the connection. To make matters worse, that player still insists that it could've worked had he had only rolled better (sigh).

In a Cyberpunk 2020 game I was running, the group was in an office building, trying to gain info about some newtech for their corporate "sponsor". Several Arisaka security goons open fire on them, they duck into an office. One player, a fixer, decides to low-crawl across the hall into another office. 20 feet from Arisaka goon with full-auto shotgun. I rolled, the burst achieved 5 hits, and I asked "What kind of armor are you wearing?"

His reply, with a quizzical look, "Armor?"

I said, "Roll a D10. That's the strength for your new character.":D

'Bout 4 years ago, ADnD2, The party confronts a dragon possessing the party's pet Troglodyte (don't ask, it would take to long), deciding to try and negotiate with him. I forget the build up to how this happened but the Ranger currently leading the group does not like the ultimatum given by the dragon/trog, expressing his displeasure by looking straight at the dragon/trog and saying "Blow Me". The other two PC's, simultaneously look at my and say "I step away from him (the ranger)", the next words out of the player of the ranger is "No good can come of this". He survived, but was not happy about losing he dreadlocks (PS when reading this us a Jamaican accent).

A few months ago an Andorian security officer (the same player by the way) in our LUG Trek game was trying to stun a criminal fleeing through a crowd of people, I, as the GM, asked what setting his Phaser was on, he paused looked up and said "still on 3...um...wide beam, %#$". Good crowd control...on a new world...the other PC there with him took the now clear shot and thanked the Andorian PC.

The funniest thing…

This was some years ago at a FASA Trek TNG game. At some point my players wound up in Romulan space testing a new type of propulsion. They sat there for a few moments arguing over who screwed up the coordinates, when the helmsman reported that a ship just decloaked off the port bow. The Captain, being the savvy and valiant individual he was, decided to try negotiating with the Romulan commander, and ordered hailing frequencies opened. The opinion of the first officer, who was very vocal, was that the Romulans wouldn’t listen because they would think the crew were spies.

So the screen comes on, and the Captain stands up, posing like the great man he is, and says “We’re here to spy!" Silence in the room for about 2 seconds, then "Oh, I mean, we’re NOT here to spy…”

I’m sure you can guess what happened after the laughter died down.

Most idiotic:

In a AD&D game a few years ago, one of my players was running a Drow fighter-thief. At the point this happened, the party was searching the tower of a powerful, evil wizard (forgot the actual reason now, but it doesn't matter). At one point, they find the wizard's lab, including a magic cirlce holding a deamon! Now, the deamon is trying to get the party to free him, promising riches and power and such. Smartly, most of the party decides to ignore him and move on to the next room. The drow, however, says "I want to free him." When everyone looks at him like he just grew a new head, he reply's "I'm a drow, the deamon HAS to do what I say." :rolleyes: Needless to say, it eneded up in a fight, with the drow dead and most of the party nearly there.

Funniest:

This seems to have become a running gag in my group, though not on purpose. I have a player that likes to run the burly, fighter-type, no matter the genre. Another player in my group usually runs whatever is needed, but in the most bizzar manor possible. For example, in a D&D game, he created a wizard, but one that hated Elves because they lived longer and had a reputation for being the best mages. Anyway, in three different campaigns now, one D&D, one Farscape and one D20 Modern, the second player has fired into hand-to-hand combat, where, of course, the fighter-type player happens to be. All three times, he critically failed the shot, and ended up hitting the fighter-type player in the back. The fighter-type has taken to doing this... "Is Player 2 around? No? Good, then I charge into combat!" :p

Chris