Meet Soldier X. A few days before deploying to Afghanistan, Soldier X had far too much to drink. To Soldier X’s credit, he had a designated driver, Soldier Y, drive him back to the Fort. Along the way there was a convenience store and Soldier X was short on cigarettes. Soldier X went into the convenience store while Soldier Y went to sleep in the driver’s seat. Here the wherefores conflict, but eventually a Sparta County Deputy Sheriff had to repeatedly ask Soldier X to step out from behind the sales counter of said convenience store. Soldier Y continued to sleep. Soldier X should have spent the night in jail (especially after calling the deputy “Barney”), but the deputy let Soldier X off with a warning. Dejectedly, Soldier X left with his cigarettes, woke up the stalwart Soldier Y, and together they returned to the Fort.
That should have been the end of the story.
Meet Soldier Z. Soldier Z was told about Soldier X’s misadventure. A few days ago, Soldier Z came to Soldier X and told him that his misadventure was shown stateside on the Fox series COPS. On top of that, the Battalion Executive Officer (who is still stateside at the Fort) saw the show and placed a call to Afghanistan. He passed on to Soldier X his complements, and asked Soldier X to call him at his cell phone at his soonest convenience. Soldier X thought that he was in quite a pickle.
Now to reach the United States from Afghanistan, you need to dial a DSN number, use your phone card number, and then dial the number you are trying to reach. Unfortunately, the DSN lines get rather clogged with calls stateside. Soldier X began dialing at 9 am, but didn’t get through until noon. Noon in Afghanistan is about 2:30 am in the Fort. Bleary eyed, the Battalion Executive Officer told Soldier X that, no, he never placed a call to him; although he expressed some curiosity to what “little incident” Soldier X was blathering about. Fortune smiled upon Soldier X and the line went dead before Soldier X had any opportunity to go into details. Soldier X realized that Soldier Z tricked him.
Ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a Blue Falcon Incident.
Soldier X must exact vengeance upon Soldier Z. Still, there are some jus en bello codes that Soldier X must follow. For one thing, his revenge cannot in any shape or form involve the spouse or children of Soldier Z. That would be just plain uncool. Secondly, in this unit there is also “The Highlander Clause” meaning that Soldier Z is safe on holy ground. Face it, when you’re in a war zone, nobody wants to be on the chaplain's bad side.
Perhaps Soldier Z may find himself locked into one of the Port-a-Potties. Perhaps soldier Z will accidentally be placed on a flight to Iraq rather than home. It could happen soon or it could happen a long time from now. Soldier X has over 12 months to decide when the time is appropriate. Besides, Soldier X is enjoying watching Soldier Z squirm.
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