Star Trek Jokes - a much-needed mood lightener...

[Aldaron]

Hi guys...just thought we could all use a little mood-lightening and humourous distraction at the moment!

In the same vein as the "Best of/ Worst of" series, I suggest we all record our Star Trek jokes here...whether old, new, heard, made-up, good, bad or indifferent.

Post 'em away, pplz!

I'll start with two from my mate Paul...

Q: "How many Bajorans does it take to change a lightbulb?"

A (said in pathetic voice whilst looking at shoes): "What's the point...the Cardassians broke all the lightbulbs..."

Or how about...

Q: "How many Ferengi does it take to change a lightbulb?"

A: "Hey! It was working when I sold it to you!"

Go for you lives!

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"Every atom in our bodies was forged in the furnace of ancient stars - it is our destiny to return home..."

[erhershman]

I don't know any, but those ones are pretty funny... I'll be passing those along to my players for sure.

Does anyone know any good jokes about Vulcans?

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"Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit, eight super brushes guaranteed to clean even the stickiest seabound mammals. Yes I am over 18, even though my IQ isn't."

[Cochrane]

What do nearsighted Vulcans wear? Spocktacles!

What sound does a Vulcan pop gun make? T'Pau!

What's black and white and red all over? an embarrassed Cheron!

Why aren't Klingon children allowed in sand boxes? the Kzinti keep trying to cover them up!

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Games... The... Final Product. These... are the books... of the Star... Trek RPG. Their five... year license. To explore... strange... new roles. To breathe... new... life into get... togethers. To bold... ly play what no... fan... has played... be... fore!

[aelius]

That last one was sick... I like it.

[First of Two]

TNG---
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: NONE! Klingons are not AFRAID of the dark!

Q: How many Pakleds does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: All of them.

Q: How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Incandescent illumination is irrelevant.

TOS---
Q: What do the Klingons do with a burnt-out bulb?

A: Execute it for failure.

Q: What do they do to the Klingon who changed the bulb?

A: Execute him for cowardice.

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 1.00000000000000000000.

[C5]

How do TOS crew change a lightbulb?

Kirk : Rips his shirt and beats the hell out of the guy guarding the light bulb store, then tells a logical paradox to the powerful computer that broke the lightbulb in the first place to blow it up, and seduces a girl to help him change the light bulb.

Spock : "Fascinating Captain. This broken light bulb seems unable to cast any light. However, my heightened Vulcan senses allow me to see perfectly in the dark, therefore there is no need to change this bulb".

Bones : "Dammit, I'm a Doctor, not a lightbulb-changer!!"

Uhura : "Hailing frequencies open, Sir!"

Scotty : "I tol' ya, Captain, this bulb couldna take anymorre!". Proceeds then to change the light bulb, while the rest of the engineering crew wanders aimlessly and uselessly around the room.

Tchekov : "Keptin, I think zat I'm the morre qualified to chinge this bulb, sence it wos a Russian invention in thee first place".

Unknown redShirt : Moves cautiously to the lamp whose lightbulb needs to be changed, then electrocutes himself and dies screaming. Kirk darkens and says he feels responsible for sending his man to death.

I've run out of ideas for this one.

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"I perfectly understand your concerns, Captain, and will quietly stay in my quarters until your life threatening problem is solved, without bothering you with the importance of my mission"
UFP VIP to Enterprise Captain, alternate timeline #0348

[Joe Dizzy]

Changing Lightbulbs in Star Trek

TNG -
Picard: will quote Shakespeare and hold a speech appealing to all that is good in the lightbulb, convincing it to leave its violent and dark past behind. After a moving monologue, the light-bulb will turn itself on again, shining brighter than before and longer than anybody would have expected.
Riker: will grow a beard (AGAIN!) and order somebody else to do it with a simple nod of the head.
Data: "I don't understand. Why is a temporary lack of illumination of interest to us? Do people feel more human when it's dark? I should try that!"
Worf: will growl and try to attack the defunct bulb for threatening the captain's safety.
Troi: "I feel (dramatic pause) darkness."
Geordi: will turn the the whole thing into an action sequence by running, jumping and rolling around while holding his VISOR with one hand, spouting some technobabble and looking tense.
Dr. Crusher: will come up with the most brilliant theory ever: "I can't see anything. But I'm not blind. Then maybe the whole universe is blind!"
Wesley: will gleefully develop an uber-tech-whatchamacallit to replace the bulb. Everyone will nod in awe and respect of Wesley's stunning abilities, while the audience will hate his guts even more for no apparent reason.

DS9 -
Sisko: will get in a fight with someone over the bulb, break Starfleet regulations and risk a war while his crew changes the bulb in secret.
Kira: will have a fit, curse Cardassians and blame Kai Winn.
Odo: will proclaim this none of his business, but will change it in secret to impress Kira.
O'Brien: will get up and change the bulb.
Bashir: will suspect Section 31 to have something to do with it.
Quark: will sell the broken bulb, get in trouble and will have to rely on Odo to help him in the next episode.
Worf: will call up on the ancient K'rg'lm Tch'k DweH ceremony, which includes fighting another Klingon, making a bloody mess of the holosuite, probably some weird S/M activities... and the Glorious Changing of The 'bulb!
Garak: will lie about the bulb in an amusing manner.


VOY -
Because of the broken bulb, the crew will either find a techno-babble way to get home faster, or a techno-babble reason why this is a life-threatening catastrophe.
After 43 minutes of cliched dialogue, out-of-character action and scenes stolen from TOS, TNG, DS9 or any other sci-fi series Janeway/7of9 will replace the bulb in a heroic manner, thus averting the catastrophe or sacrificing their passage home for no good reason.
Anything happening in this episode might be referenced to in a later episode, any consequences of it will be ignored in favor of telling another pointless and entirely boring story.
And we wonder why we should have given a crap about all of this in the first place.

Enterprise:
Nobody knows yet... but still half the fanboys will proclaim changing the lightbulb is against canon and 'NOT Star Trek!!!' (TM), and will turn off all the lights in their house in protest, while constantly bitching and moaning about B&B.

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Did I miss anyone?

[This message has been edited by Joe Dizzy (edited 09-25-2001).]

[Capt.Hunter]

Yeah, you missed Ezri Dax reminiscing about how light bulbs lasted longer in Curzon's day.

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"Spatial anomalies, energy beings, telepathic echoes. You know, sometimes I really miss the Dominion War. At least then all we had to worry about was where the next polaron beam was coming from...": Capt.Hunter, USS Tempest

[C5]

Hey, I liked the last one

I've only seen VOY's two first seasons, but I didn't find them that bad (rather the contrary). Is my case hopeless?

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"I perfectly understand your concerns, Captain, and will quietly stay in my quarters until your life threatening problem is solved, without bothering you with the importance of my mission"
UFP VIP to Enterprise Captain, alternate timeline #0348

[Joe Dizzy]

Being an avid TNG fanatic, VOY was quite a letdown for me.
I think the only thing good about VOY are the produciton values. Let's face it, this series looks good.
Whether you consider the stories utter crap (like me) or good sci-fi is merely a question of personal preferance, and what you expect from a ST series.

[C5]

As for me, I simply couldn't find something funny enough for Sulu so I didn't write anything for him... and I forgot Chapel and Rand .
But I claim no property on my jokes, and you're free to add some of your own .


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"I perfectly understand your concerns, Captain, and will quietly stay in my quarters until your life threatening problem is solved, without bothering you with the importance of my mission"
UFP VIP to Enterprise Captain, alternate timeline #0348

[Cochrane]

Sulu: sets the new bulb on the table, then Praxis explodes, yells "Shields!", watches bulb roll off table, fall on floor, and break.

Yeah yeah, I know, not very funny.

Which was it that had a crush on Spock, Chapel or Rand?

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Games... The... Final Product. These... are the books... of the Star... Trek RPG. Their five... year license. To explore... strange... new roles. To breathe... new... life into get... togethers. To bold... ly play what no... fan... has played... be... fore!

[Caretaker]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by C5:
I've only seen VOY's two first seasons, but I didn't find them that bad (rather the contrary). Is my case hopeless?</font>

Seasons one through three were good as was four, but four was when they started doing every other episode must involve Seven and the Borg. Don't get me wrong, seasons four through seven had their good moments and episodes, but... you'll have to see and judge for yourself.

[Cochrane]

what happens when Archer sees the bulb go out? he says "oh boy" of course.

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Games... The... Final Product. These... are the books... of the Star... Trek RPG. Their five... year license. To explore... strange... new roles. To breathe... new... life into get... togethers. To bold... ly play what no... fan... has played... be... fore!

[Aedh Rua]

Sulu screams, "I am D'artagnan!", and changes the bulb with a foil or epee, somehow getting a facial scar in the process.

Mirror Sulu already has the facial scar, so he says "When the cat's away, the bulb will play", and tries to come on to the bulb, until it pulls a knife out of its boot.

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Slan agat!