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Thread: Joke Contest

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 1999
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    St.Augustin,Germany (near Bonn)
    Posts
    63

    Post Joke Contest

    I`ll make this plain...
    Just tell us your favourite joke and at the end I will anounce the best joke.If you like it, we could keep this up on a monthly base and even have a price for the winner.

    So the rules are...
    1. No extreme racistic jokes.(Everyone knows what I mean I think.Use your own judgement.If it is to hard I`ll tell you!)
    2.No extremly perverted jokes.(Again, use your judgement)
    3.dunno
    4.no idea
    5.whatever
    6.still thinking about it
    7.well...
    8.ehm...
    9.so.....
    10.Keep the first and second rule in mind!

    Let it begin!

  2. #2

    Post

    A Man walks into a bar.

    Ouch.

    OK, heres my entry. BTW I like the way the 'no crude and graphic jokes' cuts out any told in the pub or during a game session.

    Two nuns were driving along a country road at night in the nunnery's new car. Suddenly a Vampire leaps out and lands on the car hood.
    "Quick, Quick, show him your cross" Screams the nun in the passenger seat. To which the driving nun leans out of the window and says,
    "You Git. Look what you've done, you've dented the bonnet, scratched the paintwork, AND cracked the windsceen. Do you know how long we have been collecting donations to get this car, just so we can visit the homeless and needy......"

    ------------------
    Dan.

    "A couple of thoughts from a random mind!"

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2001
    Location
    Germany (Ruhr Valley near Duisburg)
    Posts
    118

    Post

    Some of our former chancellors were well known for their command of foreign languages. Like ex-chancellor Kohl.

    Situation: An international meeting in france

    Mr. Thatcher (clenched tees): Mr. Mitterand, I am glad to see you!
    Mitterand: I am too
    Kohl: I am three

    Another:

    Situation: UN formal dinner in germany. Kohl sits next to an Afrikan delegate.

    After dinner he bows over and asks the delegate(in german): "Ham Ham gut?" and gets a strange look.

    After the coffe he bows over and asks the delegate(in german): "Gluck Gluck gut?" and gets a strange look.

    The delegate than rises and holds a lengthy speach in perfect german. Sits down, looks at Kohl and asks: "Bla Bla gut?"


    That was fictional. But Mr. Luebke once anounces the start of a race with "Equal it is going loose". Well he also started a speech with "Ladies and Gentlemen, dear negros"

    Another one:

    During the days of the cold war, they had three harvests in Russia. Yes three! One from the Ukrain, one from Poland and one from Hungaria.

    The german bundeswehr is so old, you find it in the bible: "And the started wearing strange garments and walked around aimlessly"

    And the final one:

    During the cold war, discussion between Honeker and his master spy Wolf:

    H: Comrade Wolf, if I open the borders, I fear that only two good sozialists will remain in the GDR!
    W: One is you comrade Honecker. But who is the other?


    ---

    Some non-yokes from my 15month with the army:

    (Carnival is, in some areas of germany, a time where costumes and parades with vehicles bearing funny motivs are in)

    We once marched out ( A whole Inf. Bat) on Rosenmontag (traditional day for carnival parades). The timing was so great, that the first car of the column was following the last motive car of the carnival column by 10 meters. With thousands of Ahlen carnevalist cheering us.

    Even worse(same exercise, 2 days earlies): My parents where on a carnival partie. I was about to leave for the baracks (in uniform) when the mine called in for my father. Jumped in the car, drove there, marched in to find my father. Suddenly a guy told me to "come to the stage for we will give you a price for the costume".

    1.Lt(new): They assigned us six mortars! What should I do with those?
    Gunny: Use them! Use them!

    Major: Put the pedal on the floor private. According to the map there is nothing the next 3km
    Me: Okay. (Speeding through the night at 50km/h with camo lights)
    Me seconds later) Shit!! <crash> (killed a fence)
    Major: Oops, that fence should be further down the road.

    Michael

  4. #4
    Join Date
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    Golden, CO, USA
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    Talking

    Haha. "Cross"! I get it.

    Anywho, here's my entry. No, wait, that falls under rule two. How about... no, another rule violation. Too bad, cause that one was Trek related. Hmm, this is tough. Here's a decent one.

    Bill Clinton is disembarking from Air Force One as a Marine stands guard. The Marine sees Clinton is carrying two animals under his arms.

    "What do you have there, sir?" the Marine asks.

    "These are two of Arkansas' finest razorbacks," Clinton replies. "I got them for Hillary and Chelsea."

    The Marine answers "Good trade, sir."

    ------------------
    Tony Fanchi
    Scotty "Laddy, don't you think you should rephrase that?"
    Korax "You're right. I didn't mean to say the Enterprise should be hauling garbage, I meant to say it should be hauled away as garbage!"
    [The Trouble With Tribbles/Trials and Tribbilations]

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 1999
    Location
    Melbourne, Australia. Winner of the First Trek Survivor Trivia Show, and Bearer of the Steve Long Pink Elephant Stamp of Learning. :)
    Posts
    526

    Smile

    Originally posted by Surak:
    ...and even have a price for the winner.
    Hmm, lessee now...

    (Getting in early) I vote for Dave Biggins as the winner, and I value him at USD $4.99.

    ------------------
    Diagonally parked in a Parallel Dimension...

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 1999
    Location
    Peterborough, Ontario, Canada.
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    Thumbs up

    Q: How do you know when a Klingon House has been dishonoured?

    A: Worf walks through the door.
    _____________________________________________

    Q: How does Bill Clinton practice safe sex?

    A: He uses a wrapped cigar.
    _____________________________________________

    Q: How many drunken Scotsmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: "Aw f*** it, let's go drink on the dock!"

    I can get away with that one 'cause I'm half Scotch.

    Rim Shot!

    LQ


    ------------------
    "No one controls me. I'm uncontrollable. The only one who can control me is me... and that's just barely possible!" -John Lennon

    [This message has been edited by Liquidator Queeg (edited 01-31-2001).]

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 1999
    Location
    Melbourne, Australia. Winner of the First Trek Survivor Trivia Show, and Bearer of the Steve Long Pink Elephant Stamp of Learning. :)
    Posts
    526

    Cool

    Bill: My dog's got no legs.
    Fred: That's a shame. What do you call him?
    Bill: I don't call him anything. He wouldn't come anyway...

    ------------------
    Diagonally parked in a Parallel Dimension...

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2000
    Location
    Golden, CO, USA
    Posts
    59

    Talking

    Disclaimer: The following jokes are in no way meant to ridicule those people missing limbs.

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of your door? Matt

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean? Bob

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Art

    ------------------
    Tony Fanchi
    Scotty "Laddy, don't you think you should rephrase that?"
    Korax "You're right. I didn't mean to say the Enterprise should be hauling garbage, I meant to say it should be hauled away as garbage!"
    [The Trouble With Tribbles/Trials and Tribbilations]

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Va Beach, VA, USA
    Posts
    176

    Post


    > Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up
    > Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours,
    > they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby
    > farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if
    > they could spend the night.
    >
    > "I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge
    > house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed, she explained, and
    > I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
    >
    > "Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and
    > if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
    >
    > The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
    > settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and
    > they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
    >
    > About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
    > attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
    > finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive
    > widow he met on the ski weekend.
    >
    > He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
    > good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
    > North?"
    >
    > "Yes, I do."
    >
    > "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
    > house and have sex with her?"
    >
    > "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I
    > have to admit that I did."
    >
    > "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
    >
    > Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I
    > did... Why do you ask?"
    >
    > "She just died and left me everything."

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 1999
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    Afghanistan
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    467

    Wink

    Originally posted by Paul:
    (Getting in early) I vote for Dave Biggins as the winner, and I value him at USD $4.99.
    Christ, this means that I have to make a $4.99 joke, doesn't it?

    Okay, here's one I learned in Huachucca. I gotta warn you that it's a bit dated. The American CIA, the Soviet KGB, and the Israeli Mossad decided to have a contest moderated by the Swiss to who had the best intelligence agency of the three of them. The rules were simple: Go into the Black Forest and get a deer. The Swiss Judges wouold wander around to see how they were progressing.

    As the judges did their rounds, they first saw the CIA talking to a deer. One of the agents openned up a brief case full of money. The deer counted the money, nodded, and went with them.

    The Swiss judges never saw the Mossad but they did find a deer tied to a tree with a bullet in its head.

    When night fell they finally found the KGB in a cabin in the woods. Also in the cabin was a boar tied to a chair. One of the agents was punching the boar in the snout while the other KGB agent was telling the boar to confess he was a deer.

  11. #11
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    2,548

    Post

    Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven. (I know, it's a stretch of credibility, but bear with me)

    She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by an angel whose job, he says, is to show her around.

    They pass by an enormous wall of clocks, almost all at different times. Some are ticking away, some utterly silent. Eacxh has a name labeled underneath.

    "What," she asks, "are all these?"

    "These," the angel replies, "are symbols of truth. Every time a human lies, they tick foreward one second."

    The angel shows her a clock, its hands fixed at 12. "This is mother Teresa's. She never lied."

    He shows her one at 2 seconds past 12. "This is Abraham Lincolns. He only ever told two lies."

    Hillary looks around a moment, curious. "Where's Bill's? Where's my husband's clock?"

    "Oh, it's not here," the angel says. "It's in St. Peter's office. His AC's out, and he's using it as a fan."


  12. #12
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    Jacksonville, Arkansas, USA
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    1,880

    Post

    How many fighter pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

    One. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

    How do you know that there's a fighter pilot at your party?

    He'll tell you.

    What's the difference between God and a fighter pilot?

    God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

    What's the difference between a pilot and a jet engine?

    The jet engine stops whining after the flight is over.

    This guy is in an accident and the neurosurgeon takes out half his brain. Luckily, the doctor knows how to put in more brains so that the guy can still have a full brain. The doc asks what kind of brains the guy wants.
    "What kind of brains do you have?" asks the guy.
    "We have navigator brains for $5 a pound and pilot brains for $500 a pound."
    "Why is pilot brain so much more expensive?"
    "Do you know how many pilots you have to kill to get one pound of pilot brains?"

    "I'm lost, but I'm making great time!" - an unidentified fighter pilot

    ------------------

    &lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;

    LUGTrek isn't really dead. Not as long as we remember it.

  13. #13
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    Post

    Knock, Knock.

    Who's there?

    The Interupting Cow.

    The Interupti...

    MMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    Sorry.
    Hugh




    ------------------
    "Sell your soul to the Philadelphia Science Fiction Society... ASK ME HOW!"

  14. #14
    Join Date
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    Post

    Knock,knock.

    Who's there?

    The Interupting Cow's Understudy.

    The Interupting Cow's Understudy who?

    <pause>

    Ooops! (Damn!)


    Sorry, again.

    Hugh




    ------------------
    "Sell your soul to the Philadelphia Science Fiction Society... ASK ME HOW!"

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jan 2000
    Location
    San Diego, CA, USA
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    134

    Talking

    Okay, my turn. Some of my favorate Microsoft jokes.

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
    In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself). If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:


    1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you have would have to buy more seats.

    6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

    7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

    8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

    9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

    10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

    12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.


    ------------------
    God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

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