Getting Older

[Eric R.]

Two things lately have made me feel my age deeply of late. 1. was finding a special Veitnam magizine special 40th anniversary issue dedicated to Tet, which occured in 1968 only two years before I was born reminding me that I have only two and half years myself before I turn the corner and become 40 years old. The second was finding in the basement a drawing pad filled with 5 drawings I had done in 1999 on a "early" Star Trek series I was thinking of doing (Thats if i recall right.) It brought to my mind how far i have come since the days when I posted just about every day here and thought, ate, and breathed Star Trek. I was single then (i.e. no girl friend), drove school bus, was dedicted to ploitics & firefighting, and really just lived at my computer and T.V..

Well have a girlfriend now, don't drive school bus anymore due to a seizure, don't pay all that much attention to ploitics, still firefight (though not as much as i like) and it will go days somtimes between computer visits. What happen? I want that person back but i know he's gone even though of late i have notice those things i love creeping back in. I was just wonding if anybody else has ever gone through this low point around 40 i would really like to hear from some of the old timers here like myself (i.e. Sir Sig, LQ, Owen, Even)

[Tobian]

I'll let you know when I reach that part, but to be honest, we all go through these types of changes throghout our lives.. some things remain constant and some things change.. and it's amazing to look back on who you were only a few years ago, and find you've changed a lot.. but then sometimes not a lot too

[RaconteurX]

One month after what would have been my fifth wedding anniversary, my divorce became final. At that point I'd been separated from my wife, now ex-wife, for nearly seven months. I was almost exactly your age at the time, Eric, but I didn't begin to feel old for another five years. Hitting forty wasn't such a terrible thing for me, mostly because I hadn't expected to live that long. After the failure of my marriage, I suffered from deep depression and anxiety which very nearly drove me to suicide.

The person who kept me going, who gave me a reason to live and love in the wake of my divorce, is why I survived beyond thirty-nine. At forty-three, a mere week before I was to pack up my entire life and move eight hundred miles to be with her, she had a change of heart which she could not, would not explain to me. Apart from the emotional devastation (my ex-wife had ended our marriage similarly), I was faced with an apartment I couldn't afford on my own any longer and dwindling finances.

I was also without work during the worst recession in Michigan history. I struggled to get by for perhaps eight months before poverty and eviction left me facing life on the streets. Now I'm forty-five, I live in someone's basement and have no life, no job, no money, no future. I've felt old for about a year and a half, and once again suicide has begun to look good. I survived Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas and New Year's alone, which is promising, but part of me still wants to wander off into the wilderness so I can die with dignity.

I feel like someone twice my age... all my friends and family gone, ready for the burden of life to end... and I don't like it.

[Evan van Eyk]

As silly as it might sound, I know pretty well what you are talking about, though I am more than 10 years younger. During the past years I came very close to catastrophe, several times my studies were threatening to end prematurely. At one point I was very sure that I would fail an exam for the third ( and last chance ) time, totally ignorant of that to do if it really happens. Still I managed to go there and - surprise - I actually managed it.
Yet here I am after more than 5 years still studying what I always dreamed of but far less optimistic in general. Right now I feel very disillusioned about a lot of things and looking back it is incredible what different person I am now compared to the six years ago I left school. I am no longer an optimist and frankly I do not believe in good people, to my experience there are none with very few exceptions ( a lot of them here at the forums, truly ). This is by personal experience during my service with the military, during my studies and in our society alltogether. There are children which suffer from hunger in my country, one of the most wealthy countries in the world - and no one cares! No one starts to do anything, parliament is debating whether to raise their pay and other insignificant stuff, while their decisions ruin our country.
Adding to that development is the fact that although nearing 30 I still have not accomplished anything. And here again it shows what different person I am now. When I started my studies, I expected it to take 7 years to finish and did not mind - now I am growing sick of the whole process after 5.5 years. And the reason is: people. It is really frustrating to see how you are slowed down because people just don't do their work and duty, making things more difficult than they are already. Next year I will be in "training" for 20 years ( started school at age 7 ) - a terrible thing. I wasted 20 years to do something, I don't know if I ever will do. The fact that I am already in debt with 10000 Euros does not help either, neither does that right now I am totally depending on my parents' financial support, although I am supposed to be "grown up" for 9 years - it does not really lift the spirit.

So maybe you believe me that I know where you are coming form, although in a not that extensive way, I still get the idea. BUT I also made the experience that there is always an opportunity. Just as things can start going down unexpectingly they can hurl up again, before you ever see it coming. The only important thing is: Will. ( No not Will Riker ). Just don't give up or something. You want to do something, do it, no matter the odds and no matter how many people say you can't do it.
There is two things that can happen: You succeed, which already is the benefit. Or you fail. But failing in an attempt is better than never to attempt, because if you gave everything you can still keep you head up high, even while failing.
Even though I am of little use to anyone right now, I still cannot blame me for anything. I aleways try hard, give my best according to my experience and knowledge and if you can look back and say: "I gave my best" - no matter the outcome - I think that counts. It does not matter "where you stand", but how you got there.

The best way for me to get out of "downs" is to "get up" and start planning - and of course following that plan. Take aim and start doing something, even if it is small steps. I am confident that all those bad times get over and good ones follow! Really, at least that is my experience. When I thought that my studies were at an end - and in vain - things just started to turn around and right now I am confident that I will finish it in a year.

[First of Two]

I'm afraid I can't be of much help here. I'm 36, but I'm actually fairly content at the moment. As long as the college I work at keeps pulling in students like it did last year, I'm pretty okay. Not great, but okay. I may even be in line for a promotion.

I do kinda wish I waited until now to buy a house, since it's finally a buyer's market. But I'm in no danger of default or anything... I got a fixed rate.

My diabetes and TMJ are under control, Julie's health is more stable than it's been in 10 years, and I'm finally a little ahead, moneywise.

Um... sorry. Does it help if I say that many of the preceeding years of my life sucked pretty badly, and I never expected to survive this long?

[Eric R.]

Thanks all for the replys so far.

I've been through rough spots before, suspended from college, broke up with at least 3 real girl firneds, had no job for 2 years, hard time finding a good girlfriend, loss of my grand parents and yes even the loss of my pup who I loved and had lived a long life (16 years). The bigest disapointment in my life has been finding out that I will not be able to teach, an endouvor I had assumed would always be open to me but I recently realized fully is now closed (GPA is to low). So I have began work to become a drafter, a thing long ago I had thought about doing.

There are few high school friends around where I live and even fewer college; i still live in the same town for both. It is true things do not stay the same but I was spoid because so many did stay for a long time but now those things are gone and I seem to be on a road which promises to take me even further from what I have known. For example a girlfriend who I am quite serious with and her3 boys will be ( already is) a shock to my system. I loss my job and even though I knew I had to get a better one but the seizure forced that change taking it out of my hands.

Sucide has entered my thoughts over the years, especially in 92 (year of the suspension), but I wont becuase I am to much of a coward (says the men who goes into buning buildings). I live at home still, thank God, even though times are stressed between me and mom. I just want this damn funk to go away. I think moving away will help, I want to move to Texas (Dallas) or California (San Diego) but at the same time I don't want to leave where I am.

Thanks all for helping me work this out in my head.

[Tobian]

Ok that's it... everyone, no matter what you do do NOT watch Watership Down, at any point ever, or we will have a spate of suicides

Yeah none of these things are unfamiliar to me. I sit as a 32 year old man, having achieved pretty much nothing, unhappy with my life, working at a low paid job, with no good prospects now, and my obsessive compulsive habits have a way of tripping up and sabotaging my future career prospects. I'm paranoid, stressed, confused, bereft of any belief in anything, and struggling to find meaning in it all. It's the problem of wanting to change, but realising that, at your stage of life, it's pretty much impossible to change now. and wallowing in the pit of 'what do I do now', and feeling like a right idiot for not having chosen the right path, and that sinking feeling you have no actual control of your own destiny.

Life, sadly is not like a Hollywood film, Hollywood lied, my destiny hasn't opened up to me lie a magical path, crafted by an intricate web of coincidences, and magical moments, resolving in a happy ever after: and well frankly even if it does, this story was a bit too long, very repetitive, and didn't include a convenient montage to help me skip through the dull hard work and dreary drudge

I have no idea why I am not actually a lot more depressed than I am actually

I guess that we are all sitting here is because of a simple thing we all have: Hope; the last thing to go. I wish I had some sage advice, but I hardly seem to get through it myself. That said a good English sense of humour and a grand sense of irony, does help put things into perspective: being able to look at yourself and laugh, even when you are being highly morose is a fantastic asset Hey and it does help in a way I am a natural problem solver: it's part of what I love about Role-playing games.. that thing which bugs you in the back of your skull, to solve that unsolvable problem, and, well, it certainly distracts me from really thinking about things, sometimes

So Everyone... "Look over there, it's the Goodyear Blimp" *runs*

[The Tatterdemalion King]

Man, I'm glad I don't expect to live easy...

[Dan Gurden]

Dont worry mate. Us old-timers are about.

Positive vibes are always being sent out during the good times, available to all.

[black campbellq]

Cming up on 42 and feeling better than I did as a younger man. More confident, more successful, less of a whiny pu$$y. In better physical shape than I was in the army.

Just a number...it's the attitude that make you old. Although having a 19 year old student have a crush on you, and realizing you're old enough to be her dad or the creepy old dude that hangs with young kids...brrrrr.

Buy a red sportscar or a motorcycle. It'll make you feel better.