Top ten things I learned watching the new ST movie

[C5]

Forewarning: The following list is intended to be humorous, even to the majority of people who liked the movie. If you don't find it funny, it's just that my humour is crappy, not that I was bashing the movie (no matter what I think of it).
Oh, and this contains spoilers too.

- A single drop of red matter can destroy a sun or a planet, and create a black hole through time and space no one can escape from. A whole beach ball of it can destroy a starship and create a black hole, easily escaped from with a few explosions. Maybe a shipload of it would have created a pretty firework.

- There is no need for an universal translator, as the entire universe has learned to speak flawless English. Either that, or the universal translator has not been programmed to cope with russian accent.

- Cheating an exam and illegally boarding a starship is okay if you can subsequently identify a trap, and it will get you an acting first officer rank. Some nerds just bother themselves with graduating from Starfleet Academy and serving some time as enseigns...

- Nokia phones are still used in the 23rd century and still use the same ringtone. They probably have changed their motto to "Connecting lifeforms", though.

- When dealing with an unruly crewmember, drop him on the nearest monster-infested planet. If he survives, he can then be made captain. This is Starfleet implementation of Darwin theories.

- Vulcans being portrayed as self-righteous and intolerant jerks is completely okay, as long as it happens in a story Braga and Bermann had nothing to do with.

- Lighting storms are the telltale sign of a Romulan trap. And all this time we were fussing about detecting cloaking devices and scanning subspace transmissions...

- The destruction of a single ship is enough to alter the timeline so that 25 years later people invented transporters with a light-year range, made contact with the Romulans and Cardassians, and could reach Vulcan in a few hours at warp 4. Maybe Starfleet should implement destroying a few starships from time to time as a policy in order to jumpstart its development.

- There is no sound in space. Someone finally told them.

- Forget the holodeck, the Enterprise is now outfitted with a giant waterslide in engineering. Now we know how Scotty used the time he gained by exaggerating his repair times.

[Kirk Johnson-Weider]

Ten more...
- Exposition is always better when the person giving it is an attractive female who just happens to be undressing at the same time.

- Star Trek is now just like D&D - all adventures begin in a tavern after the obligatory barroom brawl. This movie even had random encounters and a dungeon crawl.

- If you are going to cheat on an exam you might as well violate the "no eating in the simulator" rule while you're at it.

- If your homeworld is about to be destroyed you apparently need to rescue all the old people who probably can't have kids to save your civilization, because it's the logical thing to do.

- In the future old people aren't allowed on starships, they just get in the way.

- At Starfleet Academy it is completely acceptable for a cadet to have a relationship with an instructor, but don't even think about messing with that instructor's simulation or you are in for a world of trouble.

- If you bring a sword you will always get a chance to use it, but if you bring a phaser it probably is going to get knocked from your hand.

- To promote better linguistic skills among the crew in Starfleet you have the guy whose accent the computer can't recognize do the ship wide announcements with critical instructions for the crew.

- Don't wait till after the birth of your child to pick a name. You never know if you might be rushed into a bad decision by an attack by disgruntled miners from the future.

- Never, never try to get an emotional reaction from the halfbreed, because there's a reason he's trying to hold it together. If you do get a reaction, then get ready for your face to be rearranged into a bloody smear.

[The Tatterdemalion King]

To be pedantic for a moment: Iloja of Prim was exiled on Vulcan during Tobin Dax's life, putting Cardassian first contact sometime before 2245 in the Prime timeline.

- Star Trek is now just like D&D - all adventures begin in a tavern after the obligatory barroom brawl. This movie even had random encounters and a dungeon crawl.

Ha!

[mechascorpio]

- Who needs starships when you have the possibility of a series of TransWap Transporters?

- It's not so much the red shirt now. It's the red chute.

- In the future old people aren't allowed on starships, they just get in the way.

There was a surprisingly old guy on the bridge, by the way! Definitely in his mid to late 50s. And the female transporter chief was older than me (43). OTOH, I guess she did get in the way... of Chekov! lol

[Tricky]

This one has been bugging me for a couple days now:
- After defeating an enemy, make a token show of mercy. Then blow the SHi# out of him after getting a green light from your first officer.

Besides all the 'angsty kid' stuff we got with this movie, this change in Kirks character troubles me. Looking back over the series, Kirk would often save (or at least try to save) a wounded/defeated enemy. Some key examples are the defeat of the Gorn captain (will this Kirk just kill his opponet?), and offering Khan surrender AFTER the guy had killed a bunch of people, hurt a good friend and subordinate, and almost destroyed the ship. I can't see the Kirk I know blowing up Nero's ship on a whim, and I can't see this Kirk saving defeated opponents.

[Dan Stack]

I thought his offer to save Nero was sincere. It wasn't something he seemed to want to do, but he seemed willing. Which, after an act of genocide, seems about all one could expect. I doubt he shed any tears on taking him out. The last time Nero got pulled into an artificial singularity he popped out over a hundred years in the past.

[somaticon]

okay if Nero goes back another hundred years due to this black hole then that puts him roughly in First Contact era.....Argh No and so forth. Also the space suits were the same colours as those from Space Oddessy 2001

[Kirk Johnson-Weider]

okay if Nero goes back another hundred years due to this black hole then that puts him roughly in First Contact era.....Argh No and so forth. Also the space suits were the same colours as those from Space Oddessy 2001

That's the next reboot in 15 years...Nero versus Archer...then Nero versus Cochrane...but the best will be Nero versus Kahn during the Eugenics Wars.

[Dan Stack]

In this corner we have Nero.

And in this one... Edith Keeler.

Wait.

She has chosen a champion to represent her. It is James Tiberius Kirk!

Nero's head explodes.

[Evan van Eyk]

*ROFL*

Nero: "Kiiiiiirrrrrkkkkk!!!!"

Great idea!

[Kirk Johnson-Weider]

LOL!

See killing Nero was a mercy killing at the end of the movie - the poor miner wouldn't have been able to handle the eventual temporal paradoxes he would have surely encountered. Most likely Edith Keeler was the mother of his wife as somehow she was captured by Romulans in an alternate reality and had a kid with a Romulan. It's bizarre how often that happens.

[Pericles]

LOL!

It's bizarre how often that happens.

If it can happen to alternate history Tasha Yar (Yesterday's Enterprise), I guess it can happen to anyone.

[C5]

So now for every new travel backward in time Nero does, he will be thwarted be either a time-traveling Kirk or one of his ancestors... By the time he reaches prehistory he will probably fly into a fit of rage every time the name Kirk is mentioned.

[Tricky]

Time for the newest Reboot: The Romulan civilzation was not started by Vulcan exiles.....

....It was created by the remnants of Nero's crew, being dumped on Romulas!

(waits for all member's heads to explode when they realize that this event, this movie, HAD TO HAPPEN TO EVER HAVE ROMULANS!!!!!!)

[Sarge]

Time for the newest Reboot: The Romulan civilzation was not started by Vulcan exiles.....

....It was created by the remnants of Nero's crew, being dumped on Romulas!

Halfway through the movie, that's where I guessed the plot was headed. IMO, it would have been more interesting than where it actually went.