Famous/Infamous player quotes

[TomMarg]

I'm interested in hearing some of the more amusing quotes players can inadverdently make in a game, that are so funny that oxygen masks end up having to be passed around. I'm sure everyone here has a quote or story that had their group laughing non-stop for a while, I would very much like to hear them.

One such incident I had while game mastering trek was an episode where we had a practical joker on the ship. In one incident the jokes went a little to far and involved the captain.
He had been using the holodeck, learning how to ride a horse when out of some bushes a large creature appeared frightening the horse. The horse reared and the captain fell off and lost conciousness. The crew learned of the captains injury and brought woke him up. When the captain ( npc ) asked what happened our player, a vulcan doctor replied......deadpan:

" It appears captain, you have fallen off your horse".

We all thought it quite hilarious and could'nt continue play for 10 min. Much to the embarrasment of our player, the vulcan doctor, which made us laugh all the harder.

[redwood973]

Our tac officer, as do I, tends to call the photon torpedoes photorps. A while back we were having a rather minor disagreement with a romulan ship. Our tac officer suggested, "Lauching a couple photurds their way might show them we are serious."

After a five minute laugh fest our XO suggested all new ordnace be approved by Command Staff before being brought aboard; and our chief engineer said she would not be responsible for clean-up once they had been used. . .it must have been another 10 minutes before we could go on.

[Phoenix]

It's ADnD but I think I bears mentioning...
Human Ranger, Dwarven Fighter, and an Elven Thief. They are standing there trying to negotiate with the Dragon possesed Trogladite hench...thing (don't ask, it's the wizard's fault), the Ranger looks dead at me (the GM) and says "Blow Me" both the elf and dwarf state, before I could do a thing, "I Step Away From Him" (in sterio)- needless to say the dragon/trogladite did just that...and we all broke down in to laughter a second after the rangers player got that look on his face of "Now this was a poorly planned idea"- BTW he lived through it and is quoted in saying right after that "Negotiations have broken down...".

Now as far as the Trek game...oh the choises...none of them coming to mind in detail right now, but we spend a lot of time recovering from snarfs (drinking + laughter = said beverage launching out nose...hey it's worth extra Xp to the funny teller)

[Greg Davis]

My group uses comedic one-liners probably more often than they should, but here's a recent one that I'm still laughing about...

The setup: The PC's are the new command crew of an Intrepid-class starship, and are in the Typhon Expanse in the Typhon Sector. It's a few months after the Dominion War, and tensions are high. The crew has located the original Enterprise (NX-01), resting on the "edge" of a temporal space anamoly. The PC ship has taken damage from space phenomena on the way to respond to the SOS from the Enterprise, and the Captain, XO, and Chief Engineer have taken a shuttle over to the NX-01.

Meanwhile, back on the PC ship, the 2nd officer, a PC Lieutenant is in command. The primary NPC in the exchange is the ship's tactical officer, who happens to be a rather moody Andorian, with a temper problem.

Just as the PC's discover that they can't communicate between the away team and the PC ship, Tactical discovers that communications are being jammed. The PC Lieutenant suspects that there might be a cloaked vessel in the area, which makes her really worried. At this point, most of the bridge crew is worried.

As the PC Lieutenant and the tactical officer argue about what to do to remedy the situation, a Romulan Warbird decloaks near the NX-01. It's weapons are charged, and pointed right at the PC ship.

The Comedy:

NPC Tactical Officer: "Oh, hell...Romulans!"

PC Lieutenant: "Red Alert! All hands to battle stations!"

NPC Bridge Security crewman: "Oh, thank God, it's the Romulans! We're saved!"

The next thing the PC Lieutenant hears is the sound of a slap, and then a thud as a body hits the floor.

To me, it's not as funny in the re-telling, but it was pretty funny when it happened, especially since it was a PC that said the line for the NPC crewman.

That's my contribution, anyway...


Greg

[CmdrBluejeans]

A rather undisciplined male Human junior tactical officer played as a secondary character by one of my players, an equally undisciplined female Betazoid junior science officer played as a secondary officer by another player, and the grown-up-child-prodigy male human Chief Science Officer are investigating some smuggling (with some grunt Ops and Tactical NPC crew as support) on a remote planet near the frontier. The PC CO was late so we started the mission in media res, with the NPC XO at the conn awaiting their reports while the player of the CO sped through traffic like mad to arrive.

Of course, they enter a stereotypical Ferengi-run establishment. While the tactical officer PC chats up one of the dabo girls for info, and the Chief Science Officer -- who has dome some favors for a Ferengi or two recently -- talks with the bar owner, the Betazoid PC has a 'just us girls' talk with another Dabo girl.

The just-us-girls chat yields that one of the suspected smugglers was ... overly friendly. In semi-graphic detail as to what he said and did, and why she had found it objectionable ("He didn't just grab, he groped..."). The Captain's player had arrived by this point, but was busy settling into his chair, popping open a cola, and doing the other tasks that make gaming a multi-sensory experience.

So when they got back to the ship, the following exchange took place:

Commander Olivia Grace (XO): "Sir, the away team has returned."
Captain Ariel Ibanez (CO): "Excellent. I'd like to hear the report. What have you found out?"
Chief Warrant Officer Lynae Elbrun (Junior Science Officer): "Apparently, Sir, it is permissible to grab the ass of a Dabo girl for precisely two seconds before you have crossed the line into unacceptability."
Lieutenant JG John Summers (Junior Tactical Officer): "So that's what I've been doing wrong?"

Yeah, we had to stop play for a few at that.


BJ

[Michael Barratt]

THe characters ended up facing three doors, and since they blew their culture roles, coudln't figure out the puzzle I'd set up for them, realized that the ruins were likely trapped, they had to open the doors one by one until they found the right one.

Sad part is that the entire hallway wouldn't open until all three doors were opened (oops). But, the security officer, an Andorian gamely tried the first door - and took a crossbow type bolt to the stomach. Being Andorian, and with their sort of "pocketed" physiology, and having a medic there, they patched him up and did their best.

So, he opened the second door. And took a spear-type aparatus from behind, through his right shoulder. They again had to patch him up. Being both stubbourn and angry now, he said, "I will open the third door." The other officers, all under him in rank, tried to change his mind, and failed. He lay down on the floor, used a long stick to open the third door -

- which triggered the pit trap.

Play did not resume until I handed over my map and swore to all I believed in that that was how I had it set up beforehand.

The Doc

[TomMarg]

Great stuff folks, I had a good laugh on each of them, keepthem coming folks!

[Cessna]

A young starfleet officer to an angry Klingon in a bar - trying to start a conversation and/or avoid a fight. TOS era:


"So, how long have you been a Klingon...?"

[Paul]

An AD&D 2Ed setting - it is fondly referred to as a "Silly Session".

The characters: a Vampire; a fighter closely modelled on and closely resembling Darth Vader; another fighter needing only to complete one step to become a Revenant (refer movie character Yellowbeard); a halfling with a suit that never tore, and went around screaming "Shame! Shame! Shame!" (this one's a joke against an Australian media personality); and myself, a soldier from the late 20th century, complete with M60 machine gun, flamethrower, and grenades.

The setting: We had come across a group of naked men, dancing joyously around a single - and equally naked - young boy.

We had recognised the group of men for what they were, and acted accordingly. Or, in my case, went over the top - I unlimbered the flamethrower and sprayed everywhere, causing much chaos and confusion. When all was said and done, one of the characters thought to ask, "What's the boy doing?"

To which I very quickly replied, calm as you like: "Oh - burning."

It took a few minutes before we could continue...

[Karg]

Ok, I got one

AD&D, Our party just concluded a negotiation With Loth-The queen of spiders and were actually getting out of it with our skin and nothing unreasonably bad when our party Yutz (Real life Yutz mind you. would go through Characters twice an adventure) walks in to this, is given the discription of the scene, was told we negotiated, and then proclaims;

"I offer my soul to save the party!"

SUCK!!!!! Thank you, come again!

We then walked around with a mindless zombie/Trap detector for the rest of the adventure with Myself and Desslok (the 2 Mages) walking behind him making the Klicking sounds Spock's Remote Control was making from the episode "Spock's Brain"


On a similar note, while i was running "Enter Chimera", at the end of the Adventure when the Romulans beam down with disruptors drawn at the party, Same said yutz proclaims

"I shoot at the Romulans"

Mind you, his Phaser was not drawn.

I was merciful, The poor Centurian who was stuck with him durring the search had had enough and stunned him.




Karg

[Anomaly]

I've got plenty of classics, being that my game is set on a MUX, they are all able to be captured for infamy.

The Commander dresses down the security officer for not keeping a tight reign on the 2nd Officer, who is a loose cannon:

Balin states, "It just may well be [her career], this time." He takes a step forward and says at a quick pace, "That is why, Mr. Edwards, from this point forward, you are ordered to be Lt. Poole's guardian angel. You're going to remind her of her duty as a Starfleet officer. You're going to /make/ her listen to rational suggestions. You're going to perform the duty of a first officer to Poole's captaincy of the USS Irrational. If she stumbles again, I will blame you. Is that understood, Mr. Edwards?"

From a halfbreed to a Klingon, on his penchant for drinking a lot:

Nevaren: "Aren't you ever worried that your liver is going to burst?"

Vor'mak: "I have two."

Seen over staff monitoring channel as a staff-member tests the broken contest code:

<CONTEST> Belgarath contests its Sexy (Threesome) skill vs a difficulty of Impossible and Dramatically Succeeds!

The security chief accidently pulls a plant out of a planter on the Mall of the station:

Edwards uhs and sticks the piece of plant into the plant's soil. That done, he looks back toward the two, and remarks, "This didn't happen." He wipes his hands off, straightens his tunic, and walks off toward the Neutral Zone bar.

"Yes, sir." Leah says briefly, sending a wide-eyed glance at Laco.

Laco mutters as the Lt heads off, "Those chiefs of security, they think they can get away with anything...."

The very-jovial human CMO and the Andorian Chief of Operations are on board an enemy ship.

Holliday, pausing before the locked door to Sickbay; "...Anyone know any knock-knock jokes?"

Itaani levels her phaser at the door. "I've only had time to learn one, Doctor."

From a Criminal to a Counselor:

Gellan tips her head back and laughs. "Nothing that simple I'm afraid," she says with humor. "I used to enjoy hiking..mountain climbing and such when I was much younger. The biggest risk I ever took, was dragging my sister up with me on a climb without safety gear or a way to get back down." She chuckles softly, thinking back with a wistful look, then glances to you with a smile. "I suspect even that is tame in your eyes."

Domingo shrugs, carelessly. "She dead?" He asks, hoping the story gets more entertaining it would seem.

Edwards finds LT. Itaani on the holodeck, practicing armed fighting.

Edwards remarks, "Why am I not surprised?" He smiles good-naturedly, "I'm not much of the hacking off limbs type myself."

Itaani shakes her head. "Nor I. Tendon-cutting techniques are more efficacious."

A couple of nice Bynars offer a Klingon a drink:

Zero says, "Would you like to try-"
"-some of this Tellarite Vineroot?" One offers its unfinished cup of greenish-yellow liquid to Vor'mak.

Vor'mak seems flustered with the strange manner they speak in. When one speaks, he looks to it only to quickly look over at the other Bynar in confusion. He quickly shakes his head and bellows out, "No! ChonuQ! Go away!"

A human bemoans to an Andorian...

Poole to Ghorev: "Being human is rather horrible sometimes."

Ghorev's reply: "Oh?" <antennae quirk> "Except for the poor hearing and the remarkably low tolerance for pain, I can't imagine it would be *all* bad."

Edwards and Ghorev on people's recent attitudes..

EDWARDS: "Is it just me or is everyone misanthropic lately?"
GHOREV: "Yes and no. Some of us are just paranoid."

Bela talks to her intoxicated sister..

Zeel huffs, crossing her arms over her chest. "Why'd you take away my computer?"

Bela arches an eyebrow. "Standard operating procedure for inebriated crew members, Starfleet regulation 4118B sub-paragraph six. To whit, 'all personnel engaged in the consumption of intoxicants will have computer control turned over to the closest living relative'."

Zeel scowls, looking down at the bed. "Damn regs."

Our Heros are on their way back from a secret mission that has gone wrong...

Ghorev says "So, anybody for a game of bridge? We could go wake Lieutenant Echo."

Ghorev offers this rather lamely, actually, for lack of anything better on his part.

Gellan seems to be contemplating her empty cup rather thoroughly, a persistant frown pinching her features. She gives Ghorev a blank look. "Wha..? Oh..think I'll pass, Lieutenant. My brain is so busy chasing the implications of all this I'd end up losing my shirt."

Edwards isn't even in the mood to make a joke about that. Wow. That's some killer carpeting, too, isn't it?

Ghorev says "I don't play that kind of bridge, Counselor, but thank you." A lopsided smile as he rises.

Oh there's so much more....

[Anomaly]

BTW, since this is in Star Trek Chat, could we please limit them to Trek quotes? Perhaps you AD&D'ers could start a thread in General Discussion for AD&D quotes..

[Modem]

Hmmm…
Well, ‘Trek-wise’; I think my best quote was from my Captain in a friends 23rd Cent./movie-era story. After his new Vulcan Science Officer (type casting anyone?) bumped into him, he had the nerve to try to introduce himself. “My name is (can’t remember his name), and you are…” “Busy…” after which my Captain started walking, barely the hearing ‘fascinating’ after comment.

[Greg Davis]

Ok...I have to share this story, from our current Academy based campaign.

The setup:

The PC's are part of Alpha Squad, and separately make up Alpha II, a sub-squad with the 3 PC's and the NPC, Vor'less, a Klingon member of the House of Martok who opted to follow in the footsteps of his two idols, Worf and James T. Kirk (Yep, a Klingon who idolizes Kirk), and entered Starfleet Academy.

Well, during a semester break, the sub-squad is invited to Qo'noS to visit the family of Vor'less. Unbeknownst to the crew of the Klingon ship that is transporting us to Qo'noS, Vor'less has become romantically involved with the half Human/half Vulcan medical student in our group.

Now, my shy engineering cadet character knows all about it, and has a bit of a grudge against Vor'less, because of Vor'less, as only a Klingon can, told the entire squad about an "incident" which occured with my character and a female Risan cadet who was, only because of the cruelness of the Narrator, interested in my character. Needless to say, "shy PC + open, sexy Risan = pass out in front of Superintendent when aforementioned Risan gets a little too 'friendly".

Now, my character had been looking for an opportunity for revenge, so, when he was walking the decks one night during the trip, he heard the tell-tale fighting sounds of sweet Klingon love coming from the room of the female PC.

Well, the Narrator, always welcome for humor, has his character and the XO of the Klingon ship come walking by, with the XO pretty drunk on Blood Wine. Let the comedy insue!

The Comedy:

The XO hears the sounds and pauses, wondering if something might be wrong. My character mentions that it's the room of the female PC. Hearing this, the XO overrides the lock and opens the door. Naturally, we see....well, you get the general idea!

Klingon XO: Ah, Vor'less, are you giving her the proper thrashing that she deserves?

Having failed their notice rolls, both Vor'less and the female character fail to notice us standing there.

My character: Huh...would you look at that. It's ridged, for her pleasure!

With that, the laughter began...and much mayhem insued!



Greg

[TomMarg]

It's great to see so many amusing stories, my roommate recently told me about this one he experienced a while back.

The hook: The crew are on a excelsior class starship, when they suddenly encounter a borg cube, which quickly disables their warp drive.

The conversation:

Captain (pc): "Engineering I need warp speed now!"

Engineer (pc): "Uhhhh....( rolls to see what he can do about the problem)

Captain : " I hear DICE engineer!!!!"

They had to stop the game for while after that.