Famous/Infamous player quotes

[darkwing duck1]

OK here's one my co-narrator told me about his character. This led to the character getting his a** reamed by the NPC CO, and a demotion, but it was funny as heck!

Situation: TNG time, just after Wolf 359. The ship the character is on is an old (movie era) destroyer, pulled out of mothballs to test new anti-Borg weapons systems. They wind up facing off against a Romulan Warbird that has them dead to rights:

Romulan Commander (on screen): I am willing to negotiate the terms of surrender...

PC (playing the Sec Chief/Tac Officer, to CO): Captain, we don't have the facilities to take them all prisoner!

Another time: I stole a gag from Diane Duane. Also earlier in his career, the PC had caught a shapeshifter on board that had assumed the form of a cat. Since, as Sec Chief, it was his job to know what lifeforms were on board, he knew it didn't belong (no one had a cat registered), so he stuned it. Word got around and he got a lot of ribbing for it...

Anyways, the gag: On a colony world, a tribble predator has gotten loose from a zoo, and for lack of natural prey has taken to eating the colonists cats. I assigned the task of recapturing the TP to the PC's ship (different ship, and the PC was now the CO).

They beam down and commence t' huntin'...I tried to play it suspenseful and a bit creepy, and sure enough, when I announced that a blurry form leaped at him from a tree...ZAP!

I waited a beat (mostly because I couldn't believe it had worked), and announced: "OK, an unconscious cat falls to the ground at your feet."

The PC did a slow mo "DOH!", shaking his head. Then I played my trump card: the colony governor's little girl, out searching for her missing cat, shows up. (best "little girl" voice) "Mister Captain...why did you shoot Fluffy?"

Later, when he was pulling a stint as temp Commandant at the Academy, he had to break up a fight between a squad of Caitian cadets and a squad of Agorites (a caninoid race I made up for the occasion).

Later still, I saddled him with a horde of Caitian officers (well, only 15 or so, but they tended to hang out together, were mostly males, and I play Caitians as a bit more "boisterous" than normal). He got so tired of them, he pulled into the nearest Starbase and summarily ordered them off the ship. It became known as the "night he put the cats out".

The co-narrator got his revenge the other day, though. My PC, a Betazoid Science Officer, was beaming down to a colony that had been razed by an unknown (at the time) force. My PC was the youngest of the group, and a bit nervous. So when a blurry form leaped out of the bushes at him...you guessed it: ZAP!

The co-nar's character (same one as above) looked down at the stunned cat at my character's feet and announced "Welcome to the club, Mr. Kell..."

[Michael Barratt]

In a D&D Adventure, the first-time DM, reading from a pre-packaged adventure, said (I'm writing what he pronounced, not what he read):

"You step around the corner and see a room of contemplation and battle. Swords and armor line the walls, and an altar with smoking brassieres sits in the far corner."

There was a moment of silence, and then we exploded into laughter, to the befuddlement of the GM.

"Braziers," I managed, gasping, "It's pronounced braziers!"

[L'Nara Kho'Rath]

I'm glad to see that our ship is not the only one rolling with laughter as we carry out our missions. Our group regularly goes off in "unknown directions" evey week, but we all have a great time doing it. I can only think of one story right now, but here it goes:
Our ship has a record of the weirdest doctors you could find in the universe. Our first doctor was a Vulcan named Soul. He developed an unusual taste for ...well... as he liked to say "sexual education materials" (make your own implications here). Shortly before Dr. Soul was transfered off our ship he (unbeknownst to us) "modified" our EMH to be him.
We docked at DS9, and my character was assigned to show Dr. Bashir our Sickbay. We walked in and I was rattling off all sorts of things about it when he asked to see the EMH he'd heard about. I said "Of course" and activated it. There was Dr. Soul saying "Please state the nature of the sexual emergency." When we refused to give in to his "experiment" with aphrodesiacs he erected a Lv. 10 force field around sickbay and ran after us (Literally!!).
Now, as if that wasn't enough to get us all ROFL, here's the kicker: Our crew also has a Lyran engineer who loves jokes... He recorded the WHOLE THING and played it back through the ENTIRE station...
Needless to say much laughter ensued from the group after that.
I don't think we managed to get going for a full 20min afterwards...

Have fun kids!!!

[Greg Davis]

Ok...I've posted a few times here...maybe my group uses a little too much humor. In any event, on to tonights episode!

Tonight, the humor began with the introduction of the NPC command crew of the USS Pensacola, an Akira-class starship that our characters were temporarily assigned to, while our primary ship, the USS Sentinel, is undergoing work at Utopia Planitia.

The crew of the USS Pensacola is as follows:

Captain Crunch - A previously unseen type of alien, who stood 4 feet tall, had green skin, flaming red hair, a long droopy mustache, and a flair for acting like a pirate. This included taking a cutlass and a musket on an away mission.

Quote, which occured after a Romulan kneed him in the groin, "Argh! My crunchberries!"

Commander K'Pau (like the old Batman sound effect) - The ship's Tactical officer.

Quote, during combat with Romulans, "It would be most illogical if I allowed you to kick my ass."

Commander Spork - the Operations officer

Quote, upon meeting the half-Vulcan PC, "Greetings, I am Spork, son of S'poon, son of F'ork."

Unfortunately, they all died...it was a shame, really. They were some of the coolest NPC's that I'd encounted since my groups famous Rapid Response team. Someday, I'll have to tell you all about them!



Greg

[Lt.Khrys Antos]

This one is from an away mission we ran a week ago. The away teams got attacked by the planets wildlife and seriously injured a red shirt npc to which he responded:

"Waste the vegetable mother %&@*#!!!"-Lt.McGuillan.

A while later when at the redshirts funeral, he tried to give a memorable speech about why the guy died which came out as:

"The somethin' of the many outweigh the somethin' of the few."-Lt.McGuillan.

The game had to stop while all of us laughed our heads off.

[Karg]

OK Here are characters in one shot Fasa Klingon game i ran years ago

First officer Krunch, Wanted to be Capt.
Security Officer Kevlar
engineer Krass Walked into every room proclaiming "I am Krass!"
Science Officer Korvette
Wepons Officer Krang
Marine Sgt Mock---Wanted to switch to Navy (The whole M/K naming convension---think about it.
Imperial Security Agent Krumple

And 2 Female officers, Helm and Navigation (Can't remember thier names) that were constantly plotting a course to Romulus or the Triangle.

Needless to say it was a Wierd one

Karg

[DaddyDragon]

The NPC Andorian Captain of our groups ship is berating the PC's (the Human female XO, Human male Chief Security Officer) for starting a fist fight with 5 cardassians while docked at DS9.

Andorian CO: I want to make sure, for the record, that there was no misunderstanding concerning my specific order to avoid at all costs, ANY incidents involving the cardassian personnel.

XO: No Sir. Those orders were quite clear.

Andorian CO: I want you to know that I spent more than an hour in Sisco's office getting my antennas trimmed for your little escapade.

XO: I apologize Sir. I did try to diffuse the situation before it got out of hand.

Andorian CO: From this side of the desk, (addressing the XO) it looks like you tried to contain a fist-sized core breach with your face.

[C5]

Okay here's one fun scene we had on our last play :

The players were having a little time off in the holodeck and were skiing for fun. They were increasing the difficulty gradually, so that after a while only the Security Officer managed to get down the slope, while the CMO and Science Officer were still near the start point trying to get on their ski (and keeping falling). The Science Off. had a little fun changing her ski to a sleigh, then to a delta and trying to lift off (needless to say, she ended in a big ball of snow and delta parts).

Then the Security Off, who had been waiting for 5 minutes, decided to speed them and asked : "Computer, add yeti !"

The two other officers eventually stopped the program, but that was some really funny scene as I described some sort of giant monkey lumbering toward the unfortunate skiers making growling noises .

[Greg Smith]

The Betazed transporter chief (whose name eludes me) on the USS Thunderchild is enjoying a little R&R on Betazed during the Dominion War. He meets up with the Klingon Captain he serve under during an officer exchange. They agree to go for a drink

So come closing time, there is one very drunk Betazed and a bar full of drunken Klingon crew. Betazed says, "I know, we'll go to my parents house!"

And they did. The Klingons drank his dad's booze and challenged his dad to a duel over his mother. And in the morning gold fish were missing.

[silverthorn]

Okay, here's some funny moments from my many (many) years of playing Trek.

1) The USS Miyazaki (Galaxy class) is attacked by a Romulan Warbird which knocks out all the major systems. The CMO (played by someone who really wanted to play the Security Chief) decides to go hunt Romulans with a phaser rifle. He is found by a security team on deck 5 chasing after a pair of Vulcan children shouting "Come here you pointy eared bastards."

2) Aforementioned CMO's excuse for sending human/vulcan relations back 100 years "I was sick of doing all that medical sh*t."

3) The same CMO's statement after his own defense at his court martial (at Starfleet Command, on Earth, in front of twenty odd security guards) falls to peices. "Oh, f*ck it, I'm off to join the Maquis."

4) The Miyazaki's sensors are shot to f*ck by a Cardassian attack and the navigational database is wiped. The Captains Log entry commences thus. "Captains Log, Stardate 50112. We don't know where the f*ck we are and we don't know where the f*ck we're going."

5) The Breen attack on Earth happens as the main command staff of the Miyazaki are discussing Section 31 with a room full of 20 admirals. My new character (CMO, Lieutenant j.g) walks into the room, walks over to the CO of the Miyazaki, a Klingon Admiral (don't ask) and says, when told that he's in charge of the situation because he's a Admiral "I don't care if you're Kahless himself, help me get these people to safety or I'll kick your crinkly f*cking forehead all the way to Qo'Nos and back." (In my defense, it had been a somewhat tiring day).

6) My response when I find out who my new CO is. "Oh, shit, sir. Sorry about the kicking your crinkly head back to Qo'Nos comment, sir. Shall I go and space myself and save you the bother."

7) This one's from about ten years ago. The XO's newly born illegitimate son has just been killed by a mad Klingon. "You Klingon son, you just killed my bastard."

[Dave Biggins]

"If it's not Class M, the helmet stays on."

[Greg Smith]

Last night we started an new MERP game. We were playing wet behind the ears, never been out of our village characters.

Late at night, we were lying in wait for a wolf that had been killing sheep. We were begining to doze off when my female character spots the wolf. She stands up and yells "Wolf. There's the f***ing wolf!"

Now one of the players interjects, "You can't say the f-word. This is Tolkein. You should say 'By my beard.' " And extreme laughter ensues.

Of course if 'beard' doesn't mean the same to those of you not in the UK, then it won't be half as funny.

[Calcoran]

Well, so pray, tell us what beard means in the UK! By all means, do tell us!

[Diamond]

This just happened in the game I ran on Friday:

New crewmember, upon meeting the irascable Klingon tactical officer (makes renown check), "Oh, I heard of your father. I hear he slept around."

Klingon tac officer: "WHAT... did you say?!"

New crewmember: "Uh... when his quarters were being renovated. He had to sleep elsewhere. You know, had a hammock up in the torpedo room for a while there."

[Greg Smith]

Originally posted by Calcoran
Well, so pray, tell us what beard means in the UK! By all means, do tell us!

It's a slang term for a woman's pubic hair.