And may the Farce be with you....

[Robbert Raets]

Heh.... shall we continue this for AotC?

"You want to go home and re-think your pants."

[Ineti]

LOL

Obi-Wan: "You don't want to sell me pants."

Um...heck. I was going to add more but I don't have a script and it's been months since I've seen it. Have to wait for the DVD in November.

[Perrryyy]

Obi-wan: No pants? Use the shortttttsss Luke!



Darth Vader: Luuuuuke I am your father... AND I SAY PUT SOME PANTS ON!

[Setvenharis]

"Then did he raise on high the Holy Thermal Detonator of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy."

And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the nerfs and banthas and taun-tauns and mynoks and wampas and breakfast cereals ...

Now did the Emperor say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three.

19: Five is right out.

20: Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Thermal Detonator in the direction of thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."


I love Monty Python!

[RaconteurX]

Top ten things everyone wishes Jedi Master Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson) had said in The Phantom Menace

10. "You don't need to see my godd*mn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherf@ckin' droids you're looking for."

9. "Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know, 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherf@cker."

8. "This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherf@ckin' stormtrooper in the room, accept no substitutes."

7. "If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the f@ck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine."

6. "Feel the Force, motherf@cker."

5. "What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?"

4. "You sendin' the Fett? Sh!t, Hutt, that's all you had to say!"

3. "Yeah, Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a wookie."

2. "Does Jabba the Hutt look like a b!tch?"

1. "Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Motherf@cker."

[RaconteurX]

Ten things Yoda might say during a bootie call:

10. "Ahhh, Yoda's little friend you seek!"

9. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."

8. "Overrated, luminous is. Crude matter to bootie is essential."

7. "Foreplay, cuddling... ha! A Jedi craves not these things."

6. "Down here I am. Find a ladder I must!"

5. "Do me or do me not, there is no try."

4. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"

3. "More fun this would be, were not Frank Oz's hand up my backside."

2. "Happens to every Jedi sometimes, this does."

1. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too... hmmmm?"

[RaconteurX]

(Scene 1)

KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?

BILLY ZANE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.

KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.

KATE: Thank you. So are you.

LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.

KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.

BILLY: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.

AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)

***

(Scene 2)

LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.

KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.

AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!

LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.

KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?

LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.

NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.

KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)

***

(Scene 3)

FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.

CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)

ICEBERG: (hits boat)

FIRST MATE: That can't be good.

CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!

AUDIENCE: (silence)

FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.

AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?

***

(Scene 4)

LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking

KATE: That is terrible

LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?

KATE: Certainly.

BILLY: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.

LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?

BILLY: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway . . .

AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!

LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.

AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.

BILLY: I hate you people.

***

(Scene 5)

150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!

(Fade to black; roll credits; cue annoyingly overplayed Celine Dion song.)

[Ineti]

blink blink...

I swear I've read that whole Titanic schtick somewhere before....

Still funny.

[RaconteurX]

Originally posted by Ineti
I swear I've read that whole Titanic schtick somewhere before...

Undoubtedly, but I thought it deserved a re-release now that Titanic has been toppled from its lofty perch as all-time best-grossing film in Japan by Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi ("Spirited Away")... coming soon to an anime club near you!

[Robbert Raets]

Mr. X, you just gave me the best uncontrollable laughter I've had in a long time! Thanks so much! Gawd....

[tmutant]

Let us not forget Spaceballs: "Use the Scwartz"

[Perrryyy]

Originally posted by tmutant
Let us not forget Spaceballs: "Use the Scwartz"

Hey! Put some schwartz on will ya!? Geez!

[Liz Not Beth]

This message has been removed on request by the
poster

[RaconteurX]

Originally posted by tmutant
"Use the Schwartz"

Thanks, but I've been used more than enough this past year... unpleasant divorce and unpleasanter disability.

[RaconteurX]

Originally posted by Perrryyy
Hey! Put some schwartz on will ya!?

My schwartz is built-in at the genetic level... I never get to take 'em off! AIEEEEEE...