Jokes! Post 'em here!

[StyroFoam Man]

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[Ineti]

Star Trek: Voyager

Bwah-hahahahaha!

I kill me.

[Sea Tyger]

Let's see if I can get this one right from memory...

Holmes and Watson were sleeping out in the wilderness, and awoke to find themselves staring at the stars in the middle of the night.

Holmes turned to Watson and asked, "What do you make of this?"

"Meterologically speaking," Watson said, "I can tell that the weather for the next few days will be absolutely perfect."

Holmes was silent. Sensing his displeasure, Watson added, "Astronomically speaking, the positions of the stars tells me that Summer is just around the corner."

Holmes remained silent, prompting Watson to continue, "And cosmologically speaking, I can't help but believe that we're not alone in the universe."

Holmes still remained silent, and Watson could sense that he had yet to see what the detective was looking for.

Finally, he asked, "Holmes, tell me what you make of this?"

"Watson, somebody stole our tent!"

[Perrryyy]

Originally posted by Sea Tyger
Let's see if I can get this one right from memory...

Holmes and Watson were sleeping out in the wilderness, and awoke to find themselves staring at the stars in the middle of the night.

Holmes turned to Watson and asked, "What do you make of this?"

"Meterologically speaking," Watson said, "I can tell that the weather for the next few days will be absolutely perfect."

Holmes was silent. Sensing his displeasure, Watson added, "Astronomically speaking, the positions of the stars tells me that Summer is just around the corner."

Holmes remained silent, prompting Watson to continue, "And cosmologically speaking, I can't help but believe that we're not alone in the universe."

Holmes still remained silent, and Watson could sense that he had yet to see what the detective was looking for.

Finally, he asked, "Holmes, tell me what you make of this?"

"Watson, somebody stole our tent!"

I've also heard this with the Lone Ranger & Tonto, but yeah, that's it

[Sea Tyger]

Originally posted by Perrryyy
I've also heard this with the Lone Ranger & Tonto, but yeah, that's it

Our Deputy Superintendent uses this joke when he welcomes conferences to the school, as a warning against over-complicating explanations.

Speaking of jokes, did anyone else catch "Whose Line is it Anyway?" (either before or) after MNF last night? They had Florence Henderson (of Brady Bunch fame), and it was simply hilarious watching the regulars almost tripping over themselves around her. I think I laughed for 30 minutes straight on that!

[Perrryyy]

Originally posted by Ineti
Star Trek: Voyager

Bwah-hahahahaha!

I kill me.

Enterprise.
Brannon
Braga

WRITING!

[StyroFoam Man]

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[Michael Barratt]

Y'all knew it was coming.

Disclaimer: I'm queer. Ergo, I get to make queer jokes. Nyeah.

Q. What does a Gay Man bring to a second date?
A. What's a second date?

Q. What does a Lesbian bring to a second date?
A. A U-Haul and her cat.

Q. What does a bisexual bring to a second date?
A. The third date.

Q. What does a drag queen bring to a second date?
A. Honey, it's called a soiree.

The Doc

[Re'k]

Now, I saw this joke for the first time today, and it was in French, so I'm going to translate it from memory... damn, this could suck.

Disclaimer: I'm an atheist.


God created the donkey, and said, "Donkey, you are a beast of burden. You'll haul heavy loads without thanks, and it will be all you can do to summon enough courage to wake up in the morning. In exchange for this hard work, you will live for fifty years."

"Fifty?" exclaims the donkey. "For a life like that, that's far too long! Please, I can't bear such a life for more than ten or twelve years!" God shrugged, and so it was, the donkey was given a lifespan of ten years.

God created the dog, and said, "Dog, you are a faithful creature, you work hard to provide for those around you. You may on occasion have to live on the scraps left by the other beasts, and your hard work may go ignored, butwhen you look at your accomplishments at the end you can be proud. You will live for sixty years."

"Well, thank you Lord," says the dog, "but I really don't need that long. I think I'd rather live only fifteen years." And so it was.

God created the monkey, and said, "Monkey, there's no easy way to put this: you're an idiot. You'll jump around all day, you'll drool, you'll eat nothing but banana paste. Small children will laugh at you. You will live for eighty years."

"Screw you!" said the monkey. "A life like that would be intolerable beyond ten years!" And so it was.

Now, God thinks He's getting the hang of this: creatures don't want to live forever. So He creates Man. And He says to the Man, "You, I have made in my image. You are the only rational being on my Earth. You are intelligent, you are creative, you are powerful. You will live for twenty years."

"Well, um, thank you God, but you're giving me such a nice life, and it's a beautiful planet you've created here, and twenty years just doesn't seem long enough to enjoy it. Couldn't I also have the ten years you gave the donkey, the fifteen years you gave the dog, and the ten years you gave the monkey?"

And so it was: Man lived for twenty years. Then he got married, and became a thankless beast of burden. Then he had kids, and lived off table scraps each night he came home late from work. Then the kids left home, and he became an idiot who amused small children.

[Cdr Scot II]

And when I run out of these, I'll start on the Irish jokes...

Joke 1

A blonde walks onto a plane in Newark for a flight to LA. Her ticket is economy, but she likes the look of Business Class a lot more, so she sits down there. After a few minutes a stewardess comes along and asks to see her ticket, then politely asks her to move. The blonde is having none of it - she likes these big leather seats and lots of legroom. A few minutes later the stewardess comes back with the head stewardess in tow. Again, no joy - the blonde ain't budging. So the head stewardess goes off to get the captain. He comes down and explains at length why the blonde can't just sit where she wants. She listens then explains to him that she's far to comfortable to move. Deadlock. Then the co-pilot arrives, hears the story and winks.
"My girlfriend's blonde, let me handle this." he says. He goes to the blonde and whispers something in her ear. Her eyes go wide, then she jumps up, gives the co-pilot a big hug and a thank-you, and rushes off into economy to take her seat.
"What on earth did you say to her?" asks the captain.
"I told her Business Class was only going as far as Chicago..."

Joke 2

Four blondes come walking into a bar and order a bottle of champagne, the whole time chanting "28 months! 28 months!" and hugging and high-fiving one another. The barman is curious, but doesn't ask any questions.
Five minutes later another three blondes walk in, see the group at the table and rush over (lots of hugs, air-kissing and clapping) - again they're all chanting "28 months! 28 months!". They order more champagne and start some serious celebrating.
Ten minutes later another four blondes come in, one of them carrying a box. When the others see the box a huge cheer goes up, and there's more of the mutual congratulations, and again this chant of "28 months, 28 months!".
The barman can't stand it any more, so when he brings over more champagne, he leans down to the blonde paying the bill and asks what they're celebrating about. The blonde points to the box in the centre of the table - on it is a big picture of Barney and friends, and written beneath is "Jigsaw, 36 months"
The blond beams. "We only did it in 28!"

[Imagus]

Originally posted by Perrryyy
I've also heard this with the Lone Ranger & Tonto, but yeah, that's it

The version I heard was Holmes and Watson

Speaking of the Lone Ranger and Tonto, there they are, riding the range. Suddenly Tonto frowns, dismounts and puts his ear to the ground. He looks up and points: "look, Indians to the North!"

The Lone Ranger smiles: "we can take them."

Tonto: "more Indians to the West!"

Ranger: "not a problem, Tonto."

Tonto: "and Indians to the South!"

Ranger: "Ok, we may be outnumbered - I suggest we ride hard to the East to warn the locals."

Tonto: "ah, Indians to the East!"

Ranger: "I see, it looks like we're surrounded, Tonto - we must prepare to fight!"

Tonto: "What do you mean we, white man?"

[StyroFoam Man]

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[Ensign Arrgh]

Not really a joke of mine, but a link, for those who like sadistic cartoons, it beats Itchy and Scratchy hands down...

Not at all for the faint of heart...

Hope you enjoy, and don't be dumbfounded by the cutesy look, it is intended...

I repeat this is highly sadistic, bloody and gory, and even matching Itchy and Scratchy plus Stainboy all in one episode is hardly likely to get you prepared to this degree of sickness...

http://review.mondominishows.com/happytree.html

Hehehe, stare at the cute part of the dark side...

At least we'll not have to ram Styro down a flagpole if it satisfies those who voted for it on the Styro poll...

[Liz Not Beth]

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[Ensign Arrgh]

Is the flagpole blunt or sharp...

"Make it slow" (insert Patrick Stewart voice here)