The funniest/most idiotic thing your players have done

[Lt.Khrys Antos]

I think the subject says it all. Here's mine:

My players are ordered to the Maelstrom to search for a lost Akira. They find the U.S.S.Mateo drifting in space with no life signs. They beam aboard, find everyone dead and beam one corpse off for analysis. Once they discover it was foul play they immediately began searching for the culprit.

Here's the funny/idiot part, they checked the crew manifest and saw that one person's combadge was missing from the ship (the one they beamed off). They spent the next hour and a half trying to figure out a plausible reason why that particular crewmen did it. They had a nice complete story when one of them hailed their ship and the CMO told them that the autopsy was complete on the body of the unamed crewmen which they believed had done the deed.

At that moment I burst out laughing, I just couldn't believe they had completely forgotten about the guy they beamed off. Hilarious from my side, they felt pretty stupid and rightfully so.

[Joe Dizzy]

One of the funniest moments during my first Trek-campaign:

The players are running on full-paranoia, as one of them seems to be conspiring with the enemy (i.e. the GM) to sabotage the mission.
During a discussion the highest-ranking character announces:
"It'd be best if somebody would collect the phasers, to keep the mole from attacking us from within."
Without thinking the characters all hand their weapons to him. Now you have one character (who might be the mole and as it turned out he was) controlling the entire group's firepower.

It took them a few seconds to realize what they had done, before we all bursted out laughing.

Most idiotic moment:
During a Shadowrun game. The group was supposed to escort a scientist from his lab (28th floor) to his home (the other side of the city). There's a lot going on with computers, electric gizmos and whatnot cramped into every room. When suddenly a rocket hits their floor, tearing a huge hole into the building, taking a quarter of the floor with it, setting the whole thing on fire. (Emphasis on the big honking hole in the damn building!)
First reaction?
"I launch an grenade to kill the flames."

And they actually started argueing with me about the physics involved. I should have shot them where they stood in their pansy-red boots.

[Dan Stack]

Funniest... I'm not sure I can share that, especially on a family-friendly board...

There's a few I can think of...
- The look on a player's face in our group when I mentioned the bad guys were drawing vibroblades. She apparently was picturing something else other than a rapidly vibrating knife...

- When the player of Lt. Jasmine Kharn, who had been running that character for several months, suddenly, for the life of her could not remember her character's name as she hailed another ship. "This is Lt... ummm". Of course every time we tried to redo the scene the player burst out into laughter. If we had a blooper reel, this would have made it!

- "You have taken from me what I had rightfully stolen." "Well I stole it back fair and square so nanny nanny woo-woo." - The Dread Pirate Wallace and Lt. Jasmine Kharn in the holodeck adventure "Virginia Jones and the Sentinels of Iconia"

[qerlin]

Characters get caught sneakng into an enemy installation. The enemy frisks them, thakes their weapons, but misses one on the player in question.

His response, "Did you want the other gun, too?"

Honorable Mention:

Character meets another character's love interest. "Gali sends his love...and I'm here to deliver it for him."

[Capt Daniel Hunter]

We were playing Rifts once. We were all kitted out with some seriously lethal megadamage weaponry, and wearing good megadamage armour. Not good enough to handle the really really big guns though (such as a frell off big plasma weapon).

Anyway, we're in the middle of a huge firefight, and the building comes crashing down about us and we're standing in the middle of a huge pile of rubble. The bad guys target us with a BIG plasma gun. The Gm asks "do you want to dodge?". Everyone except one player says "Hell yes!"

The player that didn't dodge was henceforth known as "soup in a suit".

Needless to say, her next character never said no to a dodge.

[Lt.Khrys Antos]

I just remembered this one;

The crew is visiting worlds deep within Klingon space and wind up on the other side. A phenomenon takes out the most of the ship's crew and leaves a science officer in charge.

He contacts Starfleet Command and says;

"This is Lt.McGuillan, someone please respond."

They ask him where he is. And his answer is;

"The backness of Klingon space."

We all burst out laughing. Safe to say that Starfleet Command didn't come to save them.

[Phantom]

One game of Warhammer Fantasy (the pilot if you will) had my character, an Elven Outrider, riding hell bent for leather down a muddy road, beside a fast and flooded river, in a rain storm. When I turn a corner in the road and almost run over another player my elf reigned in the horse as fast as he could, but was unable to stop in time. The other player was asked;
Gm: What do you do?
Player: I jump to the side.
Gm:Ok, which side of road do you jump to?
Player: The right. (into before mentioned fast moving river.)

Another time, Warhammer Fantasy again, our party was clearing an underground "dungeon" when a new player to our group said something rather stupid. In return I said "...well why don't you stick your head into the next room to check." So he did, almost getting it chopped off by the guy on the other side of the door with the axe.

Of course we are all not immune to this. In a Shadowrun game I once blabbed our employers real name to the gangster he had us investigating. OOPSS

[Dan Stack]

In the Desert of Desolation. The characters find an oracle which will answer three questions.

"Will we succeed in our quest?"
"YES"
"Ummm... how many questions do I have left?"
"ONE"
"What was the first question I asked?"
"WILL WE SUCCEED IN OUR QUEST."

An unintentional example of a player running his character with a 7 Wisdom correctly.

[Dan Gurden]

I could imagine said Oracle taking pity and giving 3 more questions...


"Are you sure you want me to have 3 more questions?"
"YES"
"Really?"
"YES"
"WOw. Is there a question I really should be asking?"
"YES. NOW PISS OFF."

Group wanders off.
"MAYBE MY FIRST ANSWER WAS WRONG. I DONT THINK THEY WILL SUCCEED IN THEIR QUEST..."

[ComaBoy]

In a Traveller campaign I was running, the group of PC's were trying to come up with an appropriate name for their Animal-class safari ship. They finally settled on 'the Python' after one of the players suggested a name which had the word 'Throbbing' before and 'of Love' after the word Python.

[Dandelionhead]

This one goes back a while.

In September 1992, we were playing an adventure adapted from the unproduced Phase II episode "The Savage Syndrome", later to turn up as TNG's season 7 episode "Genesis". I called it "No Spill Blood" from an Oingo Boingo song title.

The PCs return to the ship after a shuttle mission to find the rest of the crew devolving into savage animals. After making their way through the badly vandalized starship, fighting off their monstrous crewmates while trying not to hurt them and dealing with failing ship systems, they finally reach the bridge (or was it the battle bridge? one of those, anyways).

The Science Officer turns to the Captain and asks "So... What do we do now?"

The Captain's player stares back for a beat, then goes "Ook?" then "Ook ook EEEK! AAH! AAH ook EEK!" while jumping up and down on his chair with his hands in the air like a monkey... As everyone looks at me (the GM) to see if I'm in on it, he stops and says "Nah, I'm just sh%*ing you.".

That was pretty much the end of any serious game for the evening.

This is now known as the Nick Maneuver, after both the Player and the character.

-Dan.T

[Ovar]

Well I wasn't GMing at the time but as a player I was pretty stunned watching all this.

The situation is this, we're going down to a planet in two shuttles and jumped by a pair of alien-fighter things. My shuttle was buffeted by shots and my friend's was hit and lost phasers. He apparently missed that point and when the GM asked him what to do he said.

"Fire phasers"

The GM told him, "Dude, the only phaser you've got is your *hand* phaser"

"I'll fire that then."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay then."

He then described to me the sight of the shuttle next to me's cockpit filling with smoke as he 'fired' his phase blowing out the shuttles controls and sending it spiraling to towards the planet's surface. I grudgingly used the emergency transporter on my shuttle to pull him out. He to this day denies this story.

[First of Two]

The Captain's player stares back for a beat, then goes "Ook?" then "Ook ook EEEK! AAH! AAH ook EEK!" while jumping up and down on his chair with his hands in the air like a monkey... As everyone looks at me (the GM) to see if I'm in on it, he stops and says "Nah, I'm just sh%*ing you.".

YOU OWE ME A NEW KEYBOARD! I just spewed pepsi all over mine!

I can't stop laughing! I think you've fried my humor chip!

Okay. my turn.

New crewmember on an unescorted tour of the ship learns an important lesson in diversity:

Me: "You turn the corner and come face-to-face with this gigantic mass of fur. It looks like a giant tiger!"

Player: "WAAGH! I shoot it!"

Me: "Are you sure?"

Player: "Yes!"

Me: "Okay... he drops, stunned. Alarms go off... a moment later, the Security Chief comes running around the corner, and sees you there. 'Lieutenant,' he asks, 'would you like to tell me WHY you just shot Ensign Ragasharrl?'"

[Lt Cmdr Matt]

My character, the captain, falls over from poisoning. The next in command starts to take charge. I was thinking okay. This will be a good test to see how good they are... No one calls the medic... I lay there and I died because my crew did not call the medic. No one called the medic...

My narrator, me, forgot that we had klingons aboard our ship and we had to perform an emergency abandoning of the ship. Well they all would have died except that we only hvae a skeleton crew.

[Cybrludite]

I was in a Rifts game in college loooooogn ago. A running gag somehow developed that anytime we were in a place that served food, a fight would break out involving MDC weaponry. The funniest of these was when our Mystic decided for some reason to try some sort of Jedi Mind Trick on a full-conversion borg.

Dave: So, you're a full-conversion borg?
NPC: Yeah, what of it?
Dave: So, it's pretty much pysically possible for you to do almost anything, right?
NPC: Uuuh, yeah...
Dave: So, how about you go >bleep< yourself?
NPC: Rarrrrgh! >zap, zap, zappity, zap!<

I didn't think to ask Dave just what in the name of "Bob" he was doing, so I have no idea why he deliberatly honked off a psychotic killing machine.