You might be a Redneck Witch IF.....

[Highway Hoss]

Sorry for being away for a while; I was taking a Trek break.

I got the idea for this from a pic at Deviantart.com; they had a pic of four characters called the Misfits of Hogwarts (No, not THOSE Misfits) and one of the characters was a "Redneck Witch"...so it got my fevered brain going and..

SO anyway, here's my little takeoff on Jeff Foxworthy's routine:

You might be a Redneck Witch IF:
1. Your broomstick has the Number 3 and sponsor decals pasted on it.
2. Your broomstick is made by Harley Davidson.
3. Your broomstick has a wand rack and a confederate flag flying from the back.
4. Your familiar is a basset or bluetick hound.
5. Your wand is made by Smith and Wesson™
6. You wear a T-Shirt with a picture of a witch being burned at the stake surrounded by puritans with the words "Forget, HELL!!"
7. You have a tattoo or bumper sticker that says "Southern Witch by the Grace of Goddess"
8. Your Guardians of the quarters are Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, Jeb Stuart and Nathaniel Bedford Forrest.
9. Instead of pentagrams, you use southern crosses for your rituals.
10. Instead of cackling, you yell "YEEEHHHAWWW!!!" when on your broomstick.
11. Your coven meets in a mobile home park.
12. Instead of black, you wear gray or butternut robes.
13. All the members of your coven are your cousins.
14. You write NASCAR to ask them to sponsor broomstick races.
15. You make your Witches Brew in a still using parts of Possum, Raccoon and/or Roadkill.
16. You ever cancelled a ritual because of a football game
17. You've ever marked out a ritual circle with duct tape.
18. Your scrying mirror says "objects may be closer than they appear"
19. You call your quarters north, east, south, and over yonder
20. You end your rituals with "Y'all come back now, y'hear?
21. Your idea of ritual garb is cutoffs and a tank top
22. You've ever wore ritual robes made out of camouflage
23. Your cauldron doubles as a washing machine.

(Note: a few I made up myself, some were suggested by my buddy Shadow and others I found on the net; new submissions welcome of course.)

[StyroFoam Man]

This message has been removed on request by the
poster

[First of Two]

If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club...
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade...
If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks"...
If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do"...
If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame"...

[Owen E Oulton]

If your athamé has a folding blade and the runes "BUCK" on the handle...

If "revenooers" are snooping about the contents of your chalice...

If north is your least favourite quarter call...

If "The Saouth shall rahse ag'in" is one of your quarter calls...

If your High Priest's name is "Bubba..."

[Sea Tyger]

You have an old splintering broomstick up on blocks in your front yard.

[REG]

...Your familiar has a mullet.

...You never have a raccoon familiar because it is always getting shot at by your cousin Billy Bob.

...You think the Dukes of Hazards are nobility.

...All your spell's recipes has to have roadkills.

...You outfitted your broom with foglights.

...Your personal wand doubles as a bottle opener.

...Your coven travel in a Winnebago.

...Your scroll is in the form of a lottery ticket.

...You hang fuzzy bones on your rear-view mirror.

...Your spellbook has more pictures than words.

[tmutant]

If your broomstick has "Z-28" decals and racing stripes....

If you can't fit you're pointy black hat over you're beehive hairdo...

If you have a "Born to Spell" tatoo on your butt...and you've shown it to more than your significant warlock...

If you have a cooler full of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the bed of your broomstick...

[Owen E Oulton]

"warlock"

BZZZZZZZT! Thanks for playing anyway.

Not at all an acceptable word for a male witch - equivalent to calling a black man the "N" word.

[Ezri's Toy]

Originally posted by Owen E Oulton
"warlock"

BZZZZZZZT! Thanks for playing anyway.

Not at all an acceptable word for a male witch - equivalent to calling a black man the "N" word.

I'll corroborate this. I have a number of Wiccan friends, too. According to them, ALL practitioners are witches. "Warlock" is reserved for male Satanists.

[Owen E Oulton]

Actually, "warlock" is derived from a late-mediaeval Scots word for "oath-breaker." Its connection to witchcraft is from witch-trials where any baptised person who was accused of witchcraft, sorcery or heresy was considered to have broken his or her oath to God.

The only people I know who call themselves "warlocks" are what we call the "black candle brigade" who use the term simpley to freak the mundanes. A few Satanists fall into this category.

[Highway Hoss]

I just want to thank everybody who has sent in their RW jokes...this shows that TrekRPG.net forums are definitely the best.
BTW to a Redneck Witch, a "Warlock" is what you use to lock up the wand cabinet....